California for Stefani

Sometimes when driving I have wandering thoughts…so on my way to Bellingham I heard the song by Mercy Me called “I can only Imagine”. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0xwzItqYmII  Yes, death has been on my mind for a little while. It started from a post that a friend of mine posted about the whole thing on facebook about putting up silly status updates to raise awareness about cancer. I agreed with her…how does that make one aware of such a horrible disease? It isn’t as if we haven’t been touched by it somehow. I can’t imagine anyone has gotten away with having nobody in their life with cancer. I am a firm belief of actions…no matter the illness, or the need. I think we all need dinner made for us by someone else. I think we all need that call from a friend that says “wanna do coffee?” I think we all need that hug from a friend that says “we love you”.

Death has touched us all…my first real death that made me sad was my favourite cousin from Germany. He died when I was a teenager. I have had another cousin die (3 days before my wedding). I have had a grandma die at a very young age. Two of my uncles of died (one from MS) which leaves my dad with only 2 sisters and no brothers anymore. I haven’t lost a parent or a sibling and for that I am grateful. I have not felt that gut wrenching sorrow that comes from loosing one of your closest people in your life. I know I have a friend that has dealt with that when she lost her parents and is now dealing with it as her husband has lost his dad.

Death is so permanent and I think that is what I always have troubles with. There is no changing your mind. I know (in my heart), that I will go to a better place where there is no more sorrow, but it is hard to tell your head that. But when I listen to Bart sing “I Can Only Imagine” it does bring a little more peace to me on what it might be like. I do know that God will give me peace when it comes time to deal with such things…I have felt that peace when I thought Doug was dying, so I do know that God is there.

Cancer sucks, but so does every other illness or accident that takes away a loved one from our lives. We need to make sure that the loved ones in our lives know they are loved…tell every day, every hour, every second. It is NEVER enough.

I drove home to a much happier song…Mandesa singing “Overcomer”…a much happier song and one that resonates in me at the moment. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b8VoUYtx0kw&feature=kp

Losing, by 10th Ave North

I can't believe what she said...
I can't believe what he did
Don't they know it's wrong?
Don't they know it's wrong?
Maybe there's something I missed?
But how could they treat me like this?
It's wearing out my heart
The way they disregard
This is love
This is hate
We all have a choice to make
Oh, Father won't You forgive them
They don't know what they've been doing
Oh Father, give me grace to forgive them
Cause I feel like the one losing
It's only the dead that can live
But still I wrestle with this
To lose the pain that's mine
Seventy times seven times
Lord it doesn't feel right
For me to turn a blind eye
But I guess it's not that much
When I think of what You've done.
Oh Father won't You forgive them
They don't know what they've been doin' (oh no)
Oh Father, give me grace to forgive them
Cause I feel like the one losing
Why do we think that our hate's going change their heart
We're up in arms over wars that don't need to be fought
But pride won't let us lay our weapons on the ground
We build our bridges up but but just to burn them down
We think our pain is own apologies and then it'll stop
But truth be told it doesn't matter if they're sorry or not
Freedom comes when we surrender to the sound...
Of mercy and Your grace
Father, send Your angels down
Oh Father give me grace to forgive them...
Cause I feel like the one losing

Aren't those great words to live by?  I think of all the things people have said about me in my life time and how we have been treated just because we are different.   Just think of all the things that were done to Jesus in his short life here on earth.   It doesn't even come close to what we have gone through.  He knows our hearts and he comforts us in those times.  We need love and we need to show love, even to those who hate us.   There is far too much hate going on out there (especially the ones that hate in God's name).  The hate doesn't end either, because we retaliate with more hate and it is never ending.  How about we stop the hate and start to love instead.  When we are hated on, maybe we should love them right back.   If we don't forgive, we can't be forgiven.   So Father, give me the grace to forgive them...even the little things that people say (and do) to us...they don't mean it. 

Here is the video 

So here are the list of ingredients:

 

3 1/2 cups of Namaste Perfect Flour Blend

1/2 cup cornstarch, arrowroot or tapioca startch

1 1/4 cups milk (I use soy milk)

1 TBSP Cider Vinegar

2 TBSP Oil

2 TBSP honey or agave nectar

1 tsp salt

3 eggs

1 TBSP yeast

1/2 cup warm water

Heat oven to 350 degrees and put rack on top of element that airs out the heat from the stove.  Put the bread pan on top of the rack and let it warm up.

Mix heaping tbsp of yeast in bowl with 1/2 cup warm water and set aside

Warm your milk up in microwave or over the stove – don’t boil otherwise you will cook the eggs when you add it to the liquid mix

Take your mixer and add eggs, oil, sweetener and cider vinegar and mix. 

Add milk slowly while mixing (only reason you do slowly so your spouse doesn’t have to clean it up from the counter later LOL).

Stop mixer and add your flour, starch and salt.  Then start mixing again and add your yeast mixture.

 

 

Mix for 3 minutes – you can stop the mixer half way and clean off the sides of the bowl just to make sure you are getting everything in the mix.

 

 

 

 

This all took about 10 minutes to do…after this comes the easy stuff.

 

Add this mix to your loaf pan, cover loosely with plastic and put on rack to rise.  Let rise for about 45 min – 1 hour.  Keep tabs on it so that the plastic doesn’t stop it from rising.  Make sure it is just laying on top of the dough. 

 

Put loaf in oven, cover (very loosely) with tin foil and cook for 35 minutes.  Then take tin foil off and cook for another 35 minutes.

 

Take out of oven, let cool for a couple of minutes and then take out of pan and lay bread on side (on the rack) and then flip to other side after awhile, then stand up properly.  I just do this so it cools nicely and doesn’t flop to one side or the other.  I also baste some butter on the top of the bread so it doesn’t go to dry on top.

Let cool completely before trying to slice.

 

I find the Namaste flour works the best (so far).  The bread is a great texture and doesn’t go sandy tasting like a lot of rice flour breads.  I find toasting the slices works the best, but you don’t have to.  Sometimes my bread rises more, but I think it didn’t do as well this time because I forgot salt…oops.  But it still feels light and fluffy, which is what you want for a gluten free bread.  Who wants to eat bricks? 

I am currently sitting at home enjoying a cup of coffee with some SF Peppermint syrup in it…trying to pretend it is a Starbucks Peppermint Mocha.   We had a great day yesterday.  Visited with my parents and my “adopted” sister Conny joined us for a nice relaxing visit.  Breakfast was blueberry blinzes and then dinner was chicken of the sea,  some real chicken and cheese smokies, along with rice and broccoli.  We don’t ever starve at my parents place.  Next week is Christmas and then we spend a few nights there enjoying all the festivities.

In the evening, my sister was helping out at the Children’s Christmas play at Eden Mennonite Church, which is the church I grew up in.  I have many great memories from there and some not so good memories, which is all a part of life and what molds us to have the opinions that we have.  There were lots of people that I knew from my childhood days.  Most of them where my parents generation, but there was a handful of the “kids” that I grew up with.   I got to say HI to my other “Barg” family – not related to them other than through marriage.  Dwayne hasn’t changed a bit and Dennis reminded me of his dad.   Dennis was my age…he was always nice to me if it was just me and him…when his friends where around, that changed.  Granted that is how most of my age group was anyway, so I really didn’t do much with my youth group.   I have said it before…i HATED being a teenager.   The church youth group treated me no differently than my school classmates. 

Church has always been an issue for me.  I grew up in a church that liked things a certain way (I think most churches are that way anyway).  I became a Christian at a very young age, probably around 4 or 5.  But in our church, you couldn’t be baptized until you were a teen, and then you had to do a speech in front of the church.  So for obvious reasons, I did not get baptized until I was married and I went to a different church to get baptized…in my own way…in a local lake, in November…yup, it was freezing cold, but totally worth it.  Even my baptism caused problems.  The current pastor of the church I was going to (a different Mennonite church) refused to do the baptism with the pastor that did do it.   Guess he was pissed that I choose to do it at a different denomination than Mennonite.  At least he showed up, which was nice…gotta look at the bright side right?

When I was 16, I realized that if I stayed going to Eden, I would probably never find a decent Christian guy that I wasn’t related to…so I went across the road to Glad Tidings…and there I met Doug (a post all on it’s own LOL).  I went to the youth group there for awhile and even though people where nicer to me, I was surprised how many “do’s and don’ts” they had.  They talked too much about premarital sex and how bad it was, bla, bla, bla…and most of the age group that Doug was with, where pregnant (before marriage).  Guess that didn’t work well LOL.  In Eden, we really didn’t go overboard on the premarital sex talk…they didn’t make a big issue about it.  It was assumed I think, that you just didn’t do it.  I don’t recall anyone having kids before marriage in my group of youth.   I do appreciate that from Eden that they didn’t go overboard on all the do’s and don’ts.  I think they taught more on why you didn’t have premarital sex and not just say “don’t do it”.   If you were wondering, yes I waited until marriage…to me that just makes sense.

Church has never gone well for me…but there are aspects that I miss.  I love the worship with music and such.  I enjoy meeting like minded people and getting to know them.  Eventually it all falls apart when I realize that every church has politics that bug me.  Doug has troubles getting involved in the music aspect of church…it always seems to be some crazy hoops to jump to get into the music department of church.  I find the like minded people that I enjoy, don’t want to spend time with us, so we always landed up leaving the Sunday church service, alone and sad.  Nobody would invited us over, etc.  So we just stopped going.  I can’t even  count how many times we would leave church crying.   Yes, we tried to invite people over, and sometimes they came over, but if a relationship is only one sided, you eventually just stop.    We haven’t given up on the church idea, but for now, we just aren’t trying too hard.   I hate rules/politics of church.  I have been to churches that believe you can’t do the chorus of a song more than once, I have been to a church where the whole service is done to the minute.  There is no room for spontaneous words.  I have been to a church where you sing a chorus for half an hour and have people running around with flags.  I have been to a church where the worship is wonderful and the music flows great.  I have been to a church where there is a group of people that go there, that make me want to run away crying in sadness.  All these churches have God in it…I won’t deny that.  I just don’t like rules and politics…someday I will get over it and try again. 

Church has good parts and bad parts…that is life here on earth.  Just because we are Christians, doesn’t mean we are perfect.  I think I would like to go to a church that is ok with the LGBT community though…granted churches have always changed.  I remember years ago, Eden wasn’t ok with divorced people going to it.  The church Doug went to, didn’t allow smokers to play music on the stage (bad influence???)…and women in leadership…I just won’t talk about that on how that has changed LOL.  So churches do change their thinking and eventually the LGBT community will be accepted in many churches.  I don’t care who you are, God loves everyone and Jesus was sent here for EVERYONE.  I still do believe in the sanctity of marriage though, and long term relationships.  I don’t care who you are, if you are in a relationship with someone, you stay true to them.   Guess that is a different post LOL.

I haven’t given up on Church…but I am not worried about if we don’t go right now.  We are going to a Toby Mac concert in February…that will be a good worship fest for me.  Then next July is Creationfest…so I get my fill of worship music.  I listen to worship music all the time, so I am always singing with God/Jesus in my car.  I don’t need church for that, but it would be nice to do that every so often…so we won’t give up on church, we just won’t let others make us feel guilty for not going

I don’t think I understand real anger.  The uncontrollable version that makes you do things that you regret after.  I remember as a teen when I was dating Doug (yes anger came often at this point)…and I would get angry at him for something he did.  I wanted to throw things but I always would say to myself “why throw it and break it, because in a few days, all will be ok and then I will still have a broken item”.  It actually irritated me sometimes because I just couldn’t be angry with no regrets. 

I read stories online about people taking their anger out on others (the service industry).  People then will post about the reasons for this anger and that we should feel sorry for them because they have lost someone dear to them, etc.  I just don’t get that…no matter your sorrow or your anger, why do others have to be the brunt end of it?  I remember when Doug had his stroke and I thought he was dying (yes, I truly thought he was dying)…I can’t even imagine going somewhere and taking it out on someone else.   Why would I be justified for my bad behaviour just because someone is dying in my life?   Sure, we make mistakes and I would assume that if I did do something like that, I would apologize right away and not wait until it got all over social media LOL.  I do think as a Christian, I need to choose my behaviour very carefully.  My life is an example of my Christianity.  I don’t go out preaching to the world, but I can show the world that being a Christian makes me a better person (for myself of course).  

Doug had anger issues when I met him, and also long into our marriage (which is why I write off the first 7 years of our marriage LOL).  He just couldn’t control what he said and then would have to apologize after.  I think what people need to understand is that every word that gets said (even if you didn’t mean it), still hurts the heart.   You can’t erase what you said and usually sticks in ones soul for a long time.  If you look at our situation as an example, I have written off many years of our marriage…and a lot of this is due to the anger he had.  We survived it and we still love each other.  But it sure would have been nicer if our marriage had been without those struggles.  Sure some people will say it made our marriage stronger…I think those people who say that are “full of crap”.   Good thing none of our friends would say that to our face because I think they would not be our friends any more LOL. 

Anger brings regrets (in my opinion).  I got really angry last Wednesday…so angry that I felt my blood pressure rising A LOT!!  But, I didn’t want to take it out on the poor Napa parts guy or the border guard.  It wasn’t the parts guy fault that the part was ordered from the wrong place, and the border guard just wouldn’t care and would throw me in jail   I had to sit in my car and breath (50 min border wait made that possible).   I had to make sure to calm down…for health reasons and so I didn’t take it out on others.  I guess I see no excuse for taking my anger out on others.  I can grumble, post on facebook, etc, but that is talk and I still treat others with respect.  I do know anger stems from a person past and how we are taught to deal with anger.  I know everybody comes from a different situation in life and may have learnt to deal with anger differently.  But honestly, how do we feel when someone takes their anger out on us?  Why would we want to do that to others. 

Obviously everyone has different issues and I am not talking about my friends and family about this issue.  Other than our marriage, I am talking about things I have read online about why people say the things they do to others when angry.  I guess it frustrates me that people would be so mean to others and then use the excuse that they are dealing with a traumatic situation in their life.  I feel bad for the traumatic situation but it doesn’t mean you have to be mean to someone…does it?  Honestly, just start crying…that should do it for most people…I think you will get lots of compassion that way.  I will say that I have been blessed by growing up in a home that let us deal with our emotions properly and that anger really wasn’t prevalent in our home.  I think our relationship with God/Jesus has taught us how to treat others.  Yup, we make mistakes…and hopefully when we make a  mistake we can ask for forgiveness and get it.  I have forgiven Doug (of course)…that is a part of marriage and also that is a part of surviving on this evil earth, also it is required to forgive because if we don’t forgive others, we can’t be forgiven by God/Jesus, and that would just suck!!!

I am not tooting my own horn, not by any stretch of the imagination.  I am just voicing my frustrations on what I read online…and this is just my opinion.  I am not saying anyone is a worse Christian than someone else.  I am giving my experience with dealing with anger and how it effects me.   I think it ultimately comes down on how we are raised to deal with anger.  I think God/Jesus can do plenty of healing in ones life when it comes to our emotions, but that doesn’t always mean it goes away fully.  I know Doug has learned a lot and God/Jesus has calmed his soul.   But it didn’t happen overnight and it involved many, many fights in our lives.  But life here on this earth was never promised to be easy, so we muddle through it, trust God that we will always be loved no matter what, and we surround ourselves with people who encourage us, love us and just plain old appreciate who we are. 

It is October 2nd already…boy this year is going by quickly.  Currently Doug is playing guitar and listening to worship music…my favourite sounds, now I just have to get him to use the 12 string instead of the boring 6 string HEE HEE HEE!!  My Halloween decorations are up along with some lights.  My skeleton isn’t hanging on the door yet, but that will come soon.  I have 25 shows on my PVR set to record during this TV season…gesshhhh…when did I get to watching that much TV?  Granted what else is there to do in the evenings.  Wanna know what shows?

Blue Bloods, Bones, Castle, Chicago Fire, CSI, Elementary, Glee, Grey’s Anatomy, Hawaii Five-0, How I met Your Mother, Ironside, Last Man Standing, Agents of SHIELD, Mike & Molly, Modern Family, NCIS: Los Angeles, Parenthood, Sean Saves the World, Amazing Race, Big Bang Theory, Blacklist, The Crazy Ones, The Good Wife, Michael J. Fox Show, The Millers.  Some are new this season and some we have been watching for a number of years.  I like TV and it helps me escape reality.  It is nice to have some comedies on our list this season though, been a lot of drama’s on our list and a person needs a good laugh every so often.

I have been experimenting with recipes using my new multi purpose GF flour.  So far it has been going well.  You just sub it for regular flour and it should work.  Made tortillas today and they worked out pretty good.  I have been making bread for the last few weeks and that has been turning out really good too.  I use Coconut Sugar for most things that use regular sugar.  It is still a sugar but it has a lower glycemic index.  So far my sugar levels are doing very well and with the meds I am on, things seem to be doing ok.  Before our diet change, I was going to have to go on another diabetic drug, so I am happy that isn’t going to happen as I like the metformin I am on…works well and it is cheap (sort of).  My doctor was very happy with the results and was interested in what I was doing to help my diet along.  We have cut out drinking glasses of milk…all we have for milk products in the house is cream for the coffee and butter…those are two “must haves” in our house.  We use Soy Milk (organic and unsweetened) for our milk substitute.

Life is going pretty good and compare it to last year, it is going amazing.  I can’t believe how hard the last year and a half have been.  Sometimes I think we just about didn’t survive it…but thankfully we did.  It felt like it was never going to end and the light was never going to get brighter…but it did…phew!!!  We were thinking of moving from our current place, but thankfully we were able to work something out with our landlords to make it manageable for us to stay.  I like the place where we are for now.  I do want to move eventually, but all in it’s time.  Our rent includes utilities now, so now it doesn’t matter how much heat the person downstairs uses, or how often she does laundry.  Sure feels good to not have to worry about that now.  We built ourselves a very nice patio in the front yard and now we have some private space that is just ours.  Now I just have to work on our landlords to get us a front loading washing machine LOL.

I try not to get too worked up about politics these days…things get so frustrating when I read what is going on, both here and in the US.  Neither one of our countries seem to be managing to good…sigh…oh well…what can you do.  If nothing else, at least here in Canada, our government is still working and I can get sick, go to the hospital and not have to worry about paying for it.  Gotta focus on the positive and not the negative.  At least we live in a free country and if everything else is falling apart around us, our ability to worship God is still allowed and that is GREAT!!

So that is life right now…lots of things running through my head still about stuff, but not ready to put it down on paper (so to speak).  I always need time to get my thoughts in order so that they make sense.  Next month is our annual family trip to Tofino…and we get to bring along our niece again.  Love having Mikaela around in our lives…she makes me laugh and we can all use that in our lives. 

 I was inspired to write this after reading this post from a friend of mine

http://trentsfavoritethings.weebly.com/my-coming-out-story.html

I want to focus on a few things he wrote about what people told him because God told them to tell him that.

We grow up in a society that tells us not to question our parents or church.  You probably have heard to comment "obey your parents", etc.  That gives us no ability to actually come up with our own opinions and thoughts about things.  Church tells us that we are supposed to listen to their rules and regulations, and again, don't question it.  So we go through life being taught that if a brother sins...we are to talk to him "out of love" regarding that sin.  We have fallen for that a few times, and it backfired royally and actually caused Doug to have a stroke.

A story we heard from a friend of ours, years ago.  It was during a prophesy time and someone prophesied over a our friend...and then half way telling him what God told him...he then said..."I won't tell you the rest because I don't think you are ready for it"...ok...so if God told him to tell it to our friend, what happened?

So what if we were wrong about what we say to people "out of love".  We say that God told us to too you something, but what if our human minds get things mixed up and we didn't portray it the right way?  What if we talk to someone about their "sin" and it turns out it really wasn't a sin, just something that we think is wrong, but really, we are just being judgemental or just spewing things that our church/parents have told us and never questioned it.

We learned long ago (when Doug had his stroke), that we needed to learn to bite our tongue and when we talk to someone "out of love", that it better be positive things, encouraging and uplifiting.   If God wants someone to change their ways, I do think God is quite capable to manage that on his own.  He doesn't need us humans butting into each other's lives and telling each other what to do.  What one person considers a sin, may not be a sin to another.   I think there has to be some trust within our Christian community that we know what we are doing and that we can listen to God when we need some help in changing our ways.   If someone needs help, then I think that someone should ask for it...then talking to them "out of love" might be a way to go...but only if they are asking for that.

When God tell us to tell someone else something...I think we truly need to make sure it is from God and not our own judgements of someone.  God/Jesus is about uplifting us and encouraging us...so I would think that is what he will tell others to do too.   How hard is it to just pray with someone, listen to them, or just give them encouraging words.  Why point out "sins"...something tells me that if I have a sin in my life, I know about it already and hopefully am working through it.  I am not stupid...I can figure out right from wrong.  I think most other Christians are the same way.   So let's encourage, listen and love instead of being judgemental, negative and bitter. 

We have learned a lot in our marriage about God/Jesus.  We have changed our tune about what is considered a sin when it comes to being Gay.   If someone loves the same sex, what right do I have to tell them it is a sin?  What right do I have to say that they need healing if they want to go to a church.  Nobody has that right because maybe it isn't a sin.  What if people are wrong?  What if it isn't a sin...now you have poisoned them against the church.  What if we had not tried so hard to mend a friendship that was doomed to fail anyway?  Doug would not have had a stroke...our lives would have been oh so different...we wouldn't have lost our house and our business...all this because the church told us to try to fix something.   They were wrong!  We suffered because of it.  My friend Trent suffers because his church was wrong.

We can't dwell on the sins of others though...we have to practice what we preach right?  We all make mistakes and even if the people who wrong us don't say sorry, we still have to get over it.  We are all humans and we need to live in this world of humans.  I will not let my love of God/Jesus change because of what people do.  We need to make our own choices and our own decisions.  We need to evaluate what is wrong or right in our lives.  Don't let others dictate that for us.  Questions things, research things, talk to people, be open to change and love each other without judgement.
If you need to tell someone something "in love"...make sure it is encouraging and actually loving.   At least that is what I want from people.  Me and God have a fairly open relationship...if I am doing something wrong, I am fairly sure he will tell me ;)

Well...time to get to work...hopefully I have made myself clear...if not, ask a question, I will tell you if I can answer it or not.  I tend to have troubles getting the things from my head onto paper, so I may have said something in the wrong way, but didn't mean it that way...I am a numbers person, not a words person.  This is the best I can do LOL