California for Stefani

The title of my post is how we both are feeling these days. It's an attitude thing and we both have to figure out how to get over it. It's a matter of changing our mindset and focusing on everything that is good and not thinking about what is missing.

We would have moved to Mexico 6 months ago and I guess we are feeling the loss a lot these days. Not too sure why, but we both feel down. I think we are feeling like that we are just going through the motions of life right now and not doing anything different. That's not a bad thing, but it's just not what we were expecting to be doing at this point. We are both on the verge of tears all the time... which totally bites and is kinda annoying. We have it good and we shouldn't be complaining, and honestly, we aren't complaining, just feeling down.

We are also missing Louie... he was put down a year ago and I think we just miss having a pet around the house, but have no desire to have another one who only lives 10 - 12 years and have to put down again because they are sick. We just got too attached to Louie I guess. He would have loved our Mustang and driving in it with the top down. He would also have loved living so close to the beach... he was a beach dog through and through.

We have it good, and anyone who looks at our life from the outside would say so. We live on the beach, we have our dream car, we both have good jobs and we have a vacation planned in under 50 days. Who wouldn't want to live our life... we sure are enjoying it. But it's that feeling that sits in our soul... that feeling of utter sadness of what we could have been doing. As Doug said this morning... we have too many holes in our heart right now. Gotta figure out how to patch those holes up... anyone got some polly filler? HA HA HA!!!

I know that with time it will get easier and only God can truly help us fill those holes, even if it means healing them but not giving us something else to replace what we lost. We have to focus on all that is good in our lives, and for the most part we do. Not sure where we would be if we didn't have faith in God... in our belief that we are safe in his hands. Even in our sadness, he loves us and cry's with us when we cry. He never promised sunshine and roses every day, but promised his love and devotion to us. Life throws us curve balls and we have to live with that. It's how we manage with those curve balls that is important and if you focus on what is good and not what is bad, then we should manage ok. Only God can help us focus properly and settle our soul.

So things are ok in our lives. We applied for a caretaking job in our building, but probably won't get it. They are wanting to pay someone $500/month for being on call 24/7... hmmm... that seems a little ridiculous, but I guess if they can find someone to do that, more power to them. Can't imagine things will be run to well in our building then, but heck, we are only renters, so what do we care ;) We leave on a vacation on September 14th... spending a few days in DisneyWorld, then a 7 night Caribbean cruise and then 4 nights in Florida checking out the sites. Should be fun to get away and see part of this amazing world.

We are meeting up with a bunch of people on the cruise that we met online... sure wish some of them lived closer because I think we would be good friends with a few of them. Why do the friends who like us not live closer? All our "so called friends" who live close don't want to do anything with us, so too me that seems like a one way friendship. I guess to me it's important to visit and commune with friends, not just say we will visit and phone us, but never do. I guess I expect too much out of people, which is why we live our own little lives at the beach.

Doug and I will survive... we will get over this bit of sadness and be bright, shiny people again soon. We will keep having faith in God/Jesus (yes I put them as 2 not as 1) and believe that he will keep us safe. He will repair those holes and we will go where he sees fit to send us. If it's here in White Rock for a long long time, that is fine by me, but if he sends us to California, I am more than happy with that too ;) I think God wants us happy and sometimes it doesn't matter where we are because he will make things work where ever we are. I need to be happy with routine and the normal things in life right now because we aren't in Mexico, we are in White Rock... no sense in dwelling on things that aren't to be (tell that to my soul, it needs to be reminded). If nothing else, we will sit in our car, be hugged by our Mustang seats and drive around the world (with the convertible top down) until our hearts are repaired ;)

Yes, I babble... it's who I am LOL

Figured I would do a fun blog post about me. Maybe y’all want to know a little more about who I am.

I was born in 1970 on May 29. I am the oldest child in our family. I have 2 younger sisters and 2 foster siblings (1 foster brother and 1 foster sister). I grew up in Agassiz on a mountain with no neighbours. We had a beautiful A-frame house that every one loved. We had a great view of the river and the Fraser Valley. If someone was camping on one of the islands on the river, we could even talk with them. We had some good conversations with strangers HA HA HA. We lived on the mountain side, which made for great hiking and some great caves. It was too bad that I preferred to be inside watching TV or reading a book.

Living on a mountain is a lot of work (just ask my parents) and I was very happy to move into civilization when I was 16. I also was able to go to a different school that was a lot nicer than the one I had grown up in. I met Doug when I was 16, got engaged at 17 and was married at 18 on July 2nd, 1988. Marriage at that young of an age brings a lot of unique issues, but we managed and we have been married 22 years now.

So who am I? I love reading, always have. When I finally learned to read English (yes, I am an ESL… German is my first language) I could not be dragged out of the library. I think I read every book that I could get my hands on. Then when my parents were offered a TV, I fell in love with that beautiful entertainment box. I watched Brady Bunch, Gilligan's Island, MASH, Wonderful World of Disney, FAME and a number of other shows growing up. I am very shy, but am learning to come out of my shell a little more as I get older. I think that comes from not knowing English when going to Kindergarten and also being bullied most of my school life.

My favourite colour is Blue and I have no favourite number. I LOVE to travel and I think I have had that desire for as long as I can remember. I am not into camping though, but I will survive it if I have to. I need flush toilets for any traveling that I do. I prefer no bugs and I am not adventurous with food. I only eat Beef, Pork and Chicken (some Turkey) as a meat and will try various fish’s, but not that much into seafood. I hate banana’s and not really that much into Chocolate. I also don’t like blackberries but that is because we had to pick them as a kid and I got sick of them. I am also a fan of white bread… I believe the slogan that WonderBread has… “part of a complete childhood”… it’s why I think my childhood was not complete… no Wonder Bread, only icky Rye bread for my lunches… ewwww, ewwwww, ewwwwww!!! Since becoming type 2 Diabetic, I am very grateful for Cob’s bread and their high fibre white bread… they are my heros LOL. I love computers and most technology. I have been using the internet since about 1995 and been using a computer for at least 10 years before that. I also love Disney and if you see my house, you will figure that out pretty quickly.

I am an Introverted person and have been all my life. I don’t handle large crowds well in small spaces. I do love people though and love being surrounded by them. I think that comes from growing up on a mountain with no neighbours. I think that is why I LOVE living in the city now. I love throwing parties, but get very tired at the end of it. I am a great Mennonite who likes to cook and have people over for food. Yes, I am of Mennonite heritage and that is why every gathering that I attend needs to have food around it HA HA HA. Guess that is why I am not skinny. I love numbers, which is why I am a bookkeeper. I took Algebra in school just for the fun of it. I am not an artistry type person and don’t apologize for it either. I love music though, but only to listen to it. Granted I can play piano and if I put my mind to it, can probably be pretty good at it, but it doesn’t come natural and I have to work to hard at it to be good… yup, I am relaxed that way… if it takes too much work, I would prefer to not do it. Numbers come natural, so that is why I picked a profession that comes easy to me.

I don’t dream big, but I try to dream with attainable dreams. I don’t like to be let down, so I think that is why I do it that way. Less disappointment then. I am not competitive and in fact feel bad sometimes when I do win at things. That means someone else loses and that makes me sad. I don’t mind playing games, but not ones that are overly competitive. I just enjoy playing the game, win or lose. So of course that means I don’t really like sports.

I love to sit and just chat with people. I am very relaxed and am very open with who I am (if asked). I have some different outlooks on life, so unless someone asks, I don’t always give out my opinions too freely. I think I am a good listener and I enjoy hearing about peoples lives. I think that is why I love being a Travel Agent, I enjoy helping people with their vacations and hearing about them. I think I could be a great best friend to someone (other than Doug and my parents). I am very loyal and will do just about anything for a friend. We have traveled far to help out friends in need. I have gotten a little cynical about people though as we have been let down by friends, but I am working on that and trying to be more positive again. I tend to see the good in just about everything and have a fairly positive outlook on life. If you have ever watched the Disney show Pollyanna, then you know my personality… I am a Pollyanna type.

I have been a Christ follower since about 4ish… not totally sure of the age, but I figure that as far back as I can remember, I have always known Jesus and known his love for me. I have never backslided on my faith. I have always trusted God/Jesus with my life and known that he has been there through everything. A big part of my faith has come from my parents… they have been a great example in that area. They are my best friends and we love to travel with them.

One of my biggest dreams that I had was to go to New York, and we went there about 5 years ago for the first time. IT was everything that I imagined and more. We went again a few years ago and hope to go again and again. Another dream was to own a convertible and a few months ago we bought a Ford Mustang Convertible. There are still things on my “bucket” list and I am sure they will happen… we have a lot of living to do yet. I want to see Europe, move to California, visit many cities in the States (too many to list), and much much more when it comes to traveling. That is mostly what I want to do in life, lots of traveling.

OH… and I love to babble… always have. Can’t you tell???

One of the things I feel that are important in a church is a midweek get together of some sort. Each denomination calls it something different, but ultimately it is some kind of get together with others. When we have looked at various churches we always make sure a church has some sort of option like this because it is what helps get to know each other. We have been to a number of churches that don’t have this and that is when we have found we don’t know anybody in the church. How does one get to know each other if you just see each other 1 – 2 hours a week?

I think that is what I miss most about not going to church… is the mid week thing. It isn’t as if we can just find one to go to, but NOT go to the church… oh no, can’t have that. Usually you have to go to the church that the group is involved with… bummer!! I am not into structure, so that is another beef I have with these things. There always has to be a certain way to do things. What even annoys me more is that the church dictates what you have to study… good grief… do they tell us when to go pee too??? What totally gets me is when the church wants the groups to study the sermon notes… boy the pastor must be really high on themselves to want everyone to study his stuff. Heaven forbid if people want to talk about other things other than the sermon. Nope… can’t have people thinking for themselves. That is not the way of the church.

I wish these type of groups where more about developing friendships. I don’t understand why that isn’t more important in a church. If you don’t have friends, how can you grow with others? Our first church in Surrey had started out good with this kind of thing and just when we were finally getting to meet new people (remember we were new to the city), the church decided that we had to move to a different group. Nope, we can’t decide such things, the church has to decide that. No wonder people have such bad attitudes about church. It’s a dictatorship.

We went to a home group for 2 years at a different church and didn’t really get to be close to anyone. Nobody wanted to do things outside of the group. I guess I am the type that likes a bit of one on one type interaction and just going out and doing things. It doesn’t always have to be about the structure of the meeting or about church. We have gotten together still with a couple from this group, which is nice but we don’t go to the home group anymore. I do miss the weekly get together, but I found it was hard to get to know anyone deeply if we are always in a structured setting, with no room for spontaneity.

What does this kind of thing look to me??? I don’t have issues with some structure because I know others need it, but how about some place for openness and just talking? Why always the same thing every week? How about some quality time outside of the get together? Dinner out, out for coffee, games night, or something else like that? Why can’t people make more time for their friends? Or does it come down to the fact that these weekly get together’s are not as important as it seems? Maybe having more friends is too much for others, and the hassles of family life just doesn’t have room for more friends. I wish that wasn’t the case, but I think it is. Also why do they stop in summer? Do we stop needing each other for the summer? I guess if the church says so, then it is that way.

Yes, I am a little disheartened by church at the moment. I guess I blame them for part of our loneliness in our lives. But ultimately it is our choice to not go to church and put up with all the bullshit that goes on. Maybe someday we will find a group that will allow us to join, but not have to go to their church. Maybe someday we will find a group that looks a little like what I would feel comfortable with and that we can develop friendships that will last a lifetime. I can hope can’t I? I will always keep my options open though because you never know what God has in store for us. Yup, I still believe that God has some control of my life and that the church does not control my belief in God. It’s me and God in this life and no other institution… he will guide me and comfort me in all aspects of my search. In the end it is how I have lived this life for God that matters… so whatever he has in store, I am game for.

Here is to our journey with God… I am looking forward to our future and have great (and some not so great) stories from the past. Here is to seeing what “Christianity” looks like in all it’s forms. I look forward to the paradigm shift that is happening.

Wow has the weather sure changed from one week to the next. Last week it was raining and cold and now it's hot and very sunny. Sure makes driving the convertible fun, but the hot sun on the head needs to be dealt with.

Our landlords came by yesterday to check to make sure we weren't keeping a grow-op in our place. We weren't, but he did notice our palm tree that we planted. He liked what we have done in the garden patio area. We told him the palm tree is because we were supposed to be living in Mexico now and not here, so this is a little piece of Mexico for us.

So Doug is working on his Bachelors Degree (in Adult Education). This is so that in 4 years (when our car lease is up), we can try to see if we can get a job in the states. He has 1 full year of classes left, but will spread it over 4 years instead. 1 class a semester or maybe 2 if he can. Our ultimate goal is to move to California and legally work there.

Why California you say? Not totally sure, but we love the atmosphere and the weather in the San Diego area is nice. Our goal is to find a place between LA and San Diego somewhere. We love the beach life and I think California has the ultimate beach mentality. It is a lot like White Rock, but better weather and there is something about living in the States that we want to do. Not totally sure why, but it is a goal. If we only make it to living in White Rock for now, that is ok too, who can complain about the beach life here (other than ALL our rain). We would love to move somewhere to start all over again with people, things, ect. It's like cleaning the slate and starting new. I think that would be great. The end result might still be the same as here, but at least we tried.

There are constant reminders here of how badly things have gone in our life and I would like those reminders put away. I can't complain about life for the most part though, we have had a lot of good things happen to us, but the rough parts always stare us in the face. I would like them gone.

We enjoyed a nice weekend with my sister in Powell River (Sunshine Coast). She has a two year old and a newborn... yikes.... crazy life if you ask me. Makes me grateful for deciding to NOT have kids. Granted that stage in life is gone very quickly. We enjoyed our drive there and back. We had a great visit with my sister and my parents showed up at the end and we celebrated my dad's birthday on Sunday. Pictures are on my facebook page.

We started 2 cleaning jobs to earn some extra money. Gotta pay off some credit card debt before our next vacation. It's been fun working with Doug. Granted most of our jobs are working together, but this one we have managed to not yell at each other (YET). We actually work very well together (for the most part). We each have the qualities that make a good team in various jobs.

Not much else new with us these days. Still no prospect of a church. I just don't feel the need for church right now. I would like people to do stuff with, but just because you go to church doesn't mean you have more friends... I found we felt lonelier when going to church than now, so for now, we stick with being hermits in our condo on the beach and driving our Mustang Convertible with the top down.