California for Stefani

Just over a month ago Doug started having some leg pains and then some back pains… a month later he is on a narcotic and uses a walker and a wheel chair to get around.  Today he is waiting for an MRI so that we can get an idea of what his future holds for surgery or other options.  When it comes to the scans, he has been doing well.  He has managed to get an MRI fairly quickly and for that we are grateful.  We were wondering if we would have to pay for on that he could fit into, but so far this one looks good.  The rest of the story isn’t so happy… I have never been so unsatisfied with the quality of care in my life.  Our doctor went on holiday’s and the clinic he works out of was not overly helpful, so we have managed to get most of our information from the internet.  Today we saw his doctor and he was very reassuring that the meds that Doug is on would be ok for him.  Being that he is on a narcotic, we were worried about addicting side effects, but Dr. Lowe says he should be ok.   We are hoping the orthopaedic surgeon will give us some other options especially for the cruise.  We will ask about a corotzon shot or an epidural.

We are both so tired from all this ordeal.  It has been a fight to get care.  The biggest problem is everyone is on holiday’s and so we were lost in the cracks of the system.  It isn’t a perfect system, but I am sure glad we haven’t had to pay for all this care up front.  I can’t even imagine how much this would have cost if we had lived in the states.  With both of us being self employed I think medical insurance in the states wouldn’t have been much of an option.  So for now I will be happy that we are Canadians that has a fairly decent medical system but just needs a little bit of work. 

One of the things that it is in the bible is talking about caring for the sick.   I know Doug isn’t in the hospital, but does he have to be for people to care for him?  One of the things I have asked for is help.  The kind that involves more than just “prayer”.   I totally believe in prayer, do not get me wrong, but should there not be more than just praying for someone (if you can)?   Our bible study group brought food one week and that is greatly appreciated.  My parents are a great source of strength.  What about the Christians in the area that say “we are praying for you”, but don’t do anything to physically help us?   I am not asking for a lot, how about even a little visit?  Is that so hard for people?   I guess it is because nobody other than my friend Conny (bible study group and parents not included) has even bothered to come by.  I am truly disappointed but honestly, that isn’t a change in my thinking anyway.  It is why we stopped going to church… we just landed up always getting hurt and being disappointed by our fellow “Christians”.  i remember when Doug had his stroke 15 years ago and the church that we were going to did nothing to help us. Somewhere along the line this world has gotten to be a “me” generation and nobody wants to help anyone else.   

I know how hard I work at helping out those in need that ask for it.  When my grandma went into the hospital near us, I made sure we visited often and got the rest of the family encouraged to do the same.  All people need is some attention… a hug maybe, or just a cup of coffee and a shoulder to cry on.  I guess that is too much to ask… bummer.  I guess I have high expectations… time to lower them LOL.  I do have to become a little less cynical though as that isn’t going to help my personality much.  I used to have so much faith in people and as I get older, that faith has diminished.  I know my attitude about church needs adjusting and I am working on that.  I have chats with God about it all the time.

My faith in God/Jesus has not changed at all though.  I can separate “church” from my relationship with God.  I love how I know Jesus is our best friend.  He came to this earth to feel everything we have felt.  He is no stranger to all of this and every feeling I am dealing with, he has felt it too.  It is great strength that I know I am not alone in how I feel and how people disappoint.  He has felt it so much more.  Can you imagine knowing you are saving this world from sin and still people spit on you… how heartbreaking would that be for someone.  Jesus is my example.  I want to live how he lived… he was the ultimate rebel and did things the way he thought it should be.  I love my friendship with him and will cherish that always.  I know that he weeps when we weep about all this.  I know that he hurts when we hurt.  He has dealt with it all and there is comfort in that.  Jesus is the great comforter (hopefully feather) and I will always look to him no matter what.   This world will try to get us down, and we will just keep fighting it and keep looking to our saviour for peace and love.  There is no greater love that is for sure, and I feel it all the time. 

I have to focus on the positive and not the negative.  We have a “free” medical system.  We are driving around an amazing car that brings us so much joy.  We love living by the beach and have been able to wheel Doug out there to enjoy the beautiful ocean waves.  We have my parents who are so supportive and we will be vacationing with them in just over a month.  Why do I need more?  I think that should be enough, so I will focus on that and not what I might be missing out on.

I think we are in week 4 of Doug’s back issue.  He has been doing well with his percocet which has been helping with pain management.  It has addicting side effects, but since it is the only thing that is helping, I guess we stick with that.  We finally got to see a doctor (Chiropractor) and he has started Doug on Low Intensity Laser Treatment.  His regular doctor is back next Monday, and I think he is going to get an earful on how bad this has all gone for Doug.  If it wasn’t for the Chiropractor, he would have nobody telling him how to get this fixed.   With all this going on in our lives and the extra drug costs, our bank account is looking thin (darn).  I can’t pick up any other clients because I am making sure that Doug is managing at his job.  Thankfully the clients that I do have are flexible and I can make it work around our schedule, but I just don’t have the energy either to do any more work.  

I got someone to clean our house a few weeks ago and tomorrow I have a personal care aid coming in to help me a bit with some cooking and even some company.  I will talk to her about coming in regularly for cleaning and some other things though.  We can’t afford to go out as much, but I don’t have the energy to cook, so something has to give LOL.   I rented Doug a wheelchair so that has helped him get around a bit, but boy is it heavy and it only fits into the back seat of the car, so I have to lift it up.  Good thing the weather has been nice though, because it only fits back there if the top is down.  Hopefully I don’t need to get a hitch to cart around a wheel chair LOL

Last week our home group supplied meals which was really nice.  This week I have managed with some of those leftovers.  Not sure what will happen for next week, but maybe I will get dinners organized and have someone cook them for me (or she can do the dishes LOL).  I am getting a good rate from my client (Comfort Keepers), so it might be worth having her come in a few times a week for awhile. 

We go on vacation next month.  I have a wheelchair ordered for the cruise and we just have to figure out if Doug can manage the flights.  I think the rest he should be ok with even if it means taking a bit more drugs to help him manage his pain.   We can’t wait to do the Panama Canal cruise and I am looking forward to having someone do a lot of the work for me.  I am thinking there will be no ziplining for Doug though.

Through all this, I have never blamed God for this.  We live in a world of sin, and this is all a part of it.  God/Jesus provides us the peace to manage through it all.  I have very little emotion left at the end of the day, but I know that I am very much loved by God and that he holds me in his arms throughout the day.   I am so very grateful for that and the peace that he gives me to manage through all this. 

I am also very grateful for the people who have helped physically supporting us right now as that is what we need the most.   My parents are the best and they are the greatest support out there.  Thanks to everyone in our bible study group who helped when I sent out a call.  My friend Conny has been wonderful in her advise (she is a nurse) and someone to visit with when I need a break from life.  At one of my clients (Comfort Keepers) the office staff has been wonderful to me in all their support.  They all understand where I am coming from, which has been great.  There have been many others that have helped us in advise and prayers… thank you so much.  Right now I need people who I can touch… the ones that can either help out or just come over and visit and take my mind off of all the things that needs to be done.   I love Doug very much but sometimes I need to see someone other than his sexy face ;)  If I get to that point, sometimes I just go downstairs and visit with my friend Anica who runs the market there.  I love people watching and visiting with her.  She has become a great friend to the two of us.

So goodbye for now… if you come to White Rock you might see a red head pushing the beach bum (not blond right now) in a wheel chair.  They will be smiling because if everything else crashes in the world, we still have our ocean front condo and our convertible Mustang.

Yup, Doug and I like to do things in a big way.  At the age of 32 my hubbie decided to have a stroke.  This was so unusual that the doctor’s didn’t diagnose it until 8 hours after he had it.  By then he had taken the wrong medication and any lasting effects couldn’t be reversed.  Thankfully the lasting effects have diminished.  Then 2 1/2 years ago I had surgery to remove my uterus AND 3 fibroids… one the size of a cantaloupe and 2 the size of oranges (the biggest my doc had seen).  Nope, we don’t like to do things quiet and normal… we like to make it showy and big.  Then a few weeks ago, Doug gets a pain in his ass (still a pain in my ass in other aspects though LOL).  Within a week, the pain has gotten so bad that he can barely do anything around the house.  Then this morning he doesn’t even make it to the bathroom and lands up lying on the floor in front of the toilet.  We decide to call the ambulance after realizing he can’t make it back to bed.  They show up and he is lying in the hallway of our bedroom and talking to the guys.  We all were in decent spirits since what else can you do.  They tried to get the gurney into the bedroom, but it wouldn’t make it around the counter, so I had to drag my poor husband from the bedroom and into the dining room.  Yup, that was a sight I am sure, me pulling on my husbands arm to get him to the gurney so he could go to the hospital.  Once in the dining room they got him onto the gurney and managed to get to the hospital.  I followed a few minutes behind in the car. 

We spent the wonderful sunny day in the hospital.  If nothing else we enjoyed a lot of activity.  I gather from comments from others that a sunny day, long weekend and that it was a sunday, brings out the nut bar’s in White Rock and EVERYONE wants to go to emergency.  Actually Doug was stuck in the hallway in ER by the ambulance entrance… wow that was exciting.  We get to know a few of those wonderful people (ambulance workers) because we saw them so often.   At the end of our 7 hour ordeal, Doug had 20mg of Morphine, 2 Percocet and 1 other drug that I don’t remember the name of (also a CT Scan on a long weekend).  He was finally able to leave in a wheel chair and go home to the comfort of his bed.  Now I am trying to convince him to shuffle downstairs to watch the torch light parade.  We will see how that goes.  The Percocet seems to be working and while we wait for the MRI to be scheduled he will take the meds and hopefully the pain will subside a bit.  We landed up getting a great orthopedic surgeon on our side, so I think we will have some good results through all this. 

I am tired though… it’s been a long 3 weeks and I can’t manage it all.  I have asked for help from our bible study group and they are stepping up to that call.  I hired a cleaner to help around the house because I just can’t keep up with that either.  I think the one thing that goes through my mind all the time is that I have done this all before.  When Doug had his stroke I did everything too and in that case we lost our business because nobody could help us with all that needed to be helped with.   I will be ok though, but right now I am just emotionally tired.  It may look like I don’t have a lot of sympathy for Doug, but I do… I just can’t show it… I am tired (emotionally and physically) and just managing day to day.  Once this is all over, I will perk up again and hopefully things will go back to normal.  It may take awhile to get our lives back in order, but we are survivors.  We have managed 23 years of marriage with lots thrown at us and we can take this too… we don’t do things in a small way… we do it GRAND!!!

Thanks everyone for the prayers,

written by the crazy red head (and tattooed one) in the family.  Doug (the partial blonde) says HI too.

Figured it was time for another post.  Life is going well, nothing to exciting, which is good I guess.  We booked a cruise for 2013 (20 night Caribbean cruise) and we bought a hot tub.  The hot tub is somewhat portable, so it is easy to move if we don’t stay in the place we are living in now.  We are enjoying our place a lot and hope to be there for a bit yet.   We still feel unsettled though, but not sure how to deal with that.  So for now we just stay where we are, book our vacations and let life go as it is. 

A few months ago we joined a home group/bible study group (whatever you want to call it).  They aren’t bothered that we don’t go to their church.  Everyone is much younger than us, but again, they don’t seem to be bothered by it.   We have been doing some series called the “Passion” series by Louie Giglio… lets just say it is better than the first one we had started with.  He is very much a excited speaker and because he talks mostly to teens/college students, it is very different.  One of the things he talked about a few weeks ago is how we should resemble Jesus.   To me I have no issues with that because that is how I try to live my life, but does he really realize how that might look to the world?  Does he know that Jesus was a rebel and did things against the grain?  I can’t imagine churches would be too happy with their congregation if everyone resembled Jesus… it would be utter chaos because the leader’s wouldn’t be able to control their people.  There are so many aspects of Jesus that is so different than what people think.  He came to earth to live our life.  He experienced everything we have/did.  He knows what we are going through with everything.  There is great peace in knowing that we have someone who has dealt with it all.

Jesus is amazing and I try really hard to be who he wants me to be and to be what he was when he was on earth.  Obviously me being a sinful human, I tend to screw that up every so often, but thankfully we are forgiven (YEAH GOD)!  Jesus is a great friend and someone who loves to hear our thoughts, our desires and just how life is going.  He knows what we are going through and can relate to us.  I work very hard to resemble who he is.  I love how Jesus was able to speak his mind no matter what.  He said it the way it was… granted he knew he was right.  I think I blogged on that concept awhile ago.  I wish I felt secure in saying my mind.

Louie (the speaker) also talked about loving without judgement… all I can say is “wouldn’t that be nice”.  I see so little of that in Christian people.  There is always an ulterior motive for “loving” someone.  Even if it is to bring them to church.  Why can’t you love someone for who they are, not for where you can bring them.  What does it matter if they go to your church?  Let them see our love and then see where they go from there.  Let God deal with that aspect of things.   I say love someone without expecting anything in return.  That is how God does it.  He loves us no matter what.

Yesterday he (Louie) talked about Hope.  I didn’t agree with all he said, but again, that doesn’t make any difference.  He did talk about how life has it’s bad spots and they will just happen.   It is hard to sum up everything he said, but at least this time I found it a little more interesting than his other stuff.   I agree that God never promised us a perfect life, but he never intended our life to be this way.  We have sin in our life and that is what causes the problems.  He gave us freedom to choose  and we don’t always choose the right things.   We have hope though, which is nice.  Even when crap is thrown at us, we have hope that we will make it through and we can keep going on.  Never with all the crap that we have gone through, have I doubted that God/Jesus loves me.  I know he is not to blame for the stuff because he gave everyone choices, and so decisions can be made that aren’t right and we suffer because of that.  Why would I blame God for that.  I know without a doubt that we are loved unconditionally.  Jesus knows all that we have gone through and he surrounds us with his love no matter what is going on in our lives.  That is some amazing HOPE for us. 

So on a lighter note… it is friday.  We have the weekend coming up and have no major plans.  We will be going to my parents on Sunday and visit.  Tomorrow we might just see what the beach will hold for us.  In 25 days we will be on our way to LA and be visiting with friends and exploring one of my favourite cities.  Then we will board the Disney Wonder and sail back home in the proper Disney style.

I am enjoying getting to know the people in our Bible Study group.  It’s interesting seeing things from their point of view.  I am made aware on how much we learn in life.  I have changed so much in the last 15 years of my life, especially my views on Christianity and all that it entails.   I have a much more relaxed view on things and realize that worrying about the things that make no different to ones faith is  pointless.  People can have their views, and I can have my views and we should all be able to live together with that. 

Sorry it has taken me so long to post a blog. No reason other than I didn't feel like thinking too hard. It's been a good year so far. Nothing fantastic, but good. I started advertising my bookkeeping services and I think I have gotten about 4 new clients. My goal is to be able to work from home a bit more. We live at the beach, so it would be nice to enjoy it a little more. Next week I have an ad going into a local coffee news paper, so we will see how that goes. I didn't have to pay for the ad because I traded services with the owner. I did some bookkeeping for him and he put the ad in for me.  If you want check out my website at www.sdlconsulting.biz

We are off on a cruise next month. I can't wait to go to California and then spend 6 days on a Disney Cruise. We are taking our 13 year old niece along and she will be staying in our cabin. I have a cousin and his 2 kids coming, aunts and uncles and relatives of one aunt coming too. Should be a lot of fun. I am hoping we can all sit in the same area for dinner. There are 17 of us all together. Of course my parents are coming along too. We can't travel to far without them ;) We have a full day in LA to explore, and plans are to do a few sight seeing things and then visit with some good friends in Laguana Hills.  We are so hoping to move there one day, but it all depends if the US will let us in.

We have been going to a new bible study group. It's been very interesting so far. Everyone is under 30 and 2 couples have a kid about a year old. We are by far the oldest in the group, but so far it hasn't been a problem. It's been interesting listening to people so young look at the world. I remember being in that place and it sure is amazing how far our thinking has come in all these years. I am not saying we are smarter or more wise, but just how things change as you grow up and learn things about the world. The first week we were there they did a study on philosophy and Ethics, and thankfully they decided to stop doing that series otherwise we would have had to reconsider going. I have no use for philosophy and how it effects my christian life. My faith is based on very simple truths and I don't need to dwell into the knitty gritty of those truths. If others want to though, I have no issues with that. Just don't get me involved LOL.

Thankfully the next time they decided to change it and we did something else. It was still a video and I didn't totally agree with everything the speaker said, but that doesn't really matter. Yesterday we watched a speaker again and he was an evangelist... again, not my favourite thing but he was making the host uncomfortable, so I found that part interesting. I love it when people say things that aren't expected LOL... makes life interesting. The group of people we are meeting with are fun to be around and we are looking forward to getting to know them more. They aren't bothered by the fact that we don't go to church and infact haven't even asked why, which has been kinda nice.

So I was listening to a song today... by 10th Avenue North... it's called Hold My Heart, and when I first heard it just over a year ago, it would bring me to total tears. Today, it just made a small tear form, so I guess I am slowly getting better. The chorus goes like this...

One tear in the driving rain, One voice in a sea of pain Could the maker of the stars Hear the sound of my breaking heart? One life, that's all I am Right now I can barely stand If You're everything You say You are Would You come close and hold my heart

I am glad that slowly our Mexico thing is becoming a distant memory. It isn't too distant though because we still think of it often. I wish it could be wiped away completely, but life doesn't work that way.

We try not to think to hard about our future. If we do then we wonder where we will be. We both want to be in California, but we don't know if that is in the cards. For now we will just try to visit as often as possible. We have 2 trips planned for this year and I would assume we will do something early next year, even if it is just a visit with no set itineraries. Why plan for the future when you don't even know if it will show up, or how things will change. Granted that is easier to do when you don't have kids. We live for today.

So how goes our walk with God these days? Well... we still haven't found a church to go to, but the bible study group we go to has been nice. Our faith is as strong as ever though and we keep trusting God that he will lead us to where he wants. Now don't get me wrong, it isn't as if there are no churchs in our area, we just haven't felt the need to go to one yet. I truly believe that if God wants us in a certain church, he will make it very known to us. So far I have had no desire to start going to a church and deal with all the politics that come along with that. I still believe that church has no bearing on our walk as a Christian. I do miss the music aspect of church, but we have managed to find ways around that. So far this year we have been to a Toby Mac concert and just last weekend we went to the Rock & Worship Roadshow in Seattle. That works for me in worshiping God. What is better than an arena full of people all praising God for 4 hours.

We are enjoying our cat Minnie... she has a lot of fun. It has been nice coming home to a pet. A cat isn't the same as Louie (our dog), but it is still nice. A dog is a part of the family, but a cat is just a pet. We still miss Louie at times, but having the cat has been a nice change. I have been taking her outside on a leash and she has been doing pretty good. We got her on December 26th... I think it was a nice Christmas present for us. She is 3 years old and is a lot of fun.

No real deep thoughts these days... I occasionally have them and wonder if I should write them down, but sometimes they take a lot of work to put down on paper. After hearing some of the speakers we have heard at bible study, I want to write about it, but not sure if it's worth it. I think people make God/Jesus way more complicated than what he is. He created us to commune with him, nothing more, nothing less. We are very important to God because he created us. We are his friends and he is our friend. How great is that. Why make things more complicated. Oh well... if people want complicated, then they can have it. I will stick with the simple things. I think there is nothing wrong with a simple faith.

Hope all is well for everyone.

I have been thinking about this post for some time and so hopefully I manage to get out what my thoughts have been.  Let me start this blog off by saying this…

“Kraeg, if you are reading this, please place your mouse cursor on the x at the top right hand corner of the screen and close the window because this blog is not for you.  This one is going to be a very Christian type blog with lots of things that won’t make sense” … now of course I am kidding a bit, but really, this probably isn’t a blog for any of my non christian readers since I will probably will say things that I have no backing for it other than my faith.

I am sitting here listening to Father’s House by Brian Doerksen… what a great CD to listen to when wanting to talk about God/Jesus and his home.  It kinda gets you in the mood to talk about spiritual stuff.

Heaven… this is only relevant to Christians (if I understand the concept properly) because it is home to God and his son Jesus and where we will reside once our time is done on this earth.  But do you really think about it?  I do a lot because I just can’t get my head around the whole concept of the afterlife.  All I imagine is my earthly body and it’s hard to comprehend a spiritual body.  I remember as a teenager that “death” and “heaven” was so far away.  You think you are going to live forever and so you just don’t worry about things like that.  I remember thinking that I would understand it more when I got older.  I thought as I aged, things would come easier when it comes to the concept of heaven.

I am now 40 and honestly, I don’t understand it any more now than when I did when I was younger.  And it isn’t that I don’t believe in it or even worry about it, but to actually wrap your head around not being in this earthly body is what gets me.  How do I imagine living the rest of my life as a “spirit”?  We are going to live forever… yikes… how does that look?  How do we grasp living forever?  It is always talked about in church, but do we really think about it?  Do we put our minds into this concept and imagine what “forever” will look like?  I try, but it actually stresses me out a bit because I can’t imagine it.  I can’t see how it looks because it won’t look like our earthly body.  So I tend to just pass it by because it kinda scares me.   Even if you can get the concept of Heaven figured out, how does one figure out the “new earth” once this current earth is destroyed.  Will it all look different again (Heaven that is), or what? 

I look at my life as I am an individual and everything I think and see comes from my perspective and not through anyone else’s eye’s but mine.  God created me to see what I see and to figure things out with him.  So my thoughts about Heaven are the things that go through my mind and they tend to not be able to be swished away easily.  I try not to think about it much at night because death isn’t really something that should be thought about before going to bed (i get nightmares easily). 

Do I look forward to spending the rest of my life with Jesus face to face?  “hell ya”… for sure and yuppers!  I can’t wait to see my hero face to face.  But when I picture that, I see it in the earthly form that I am, but it won’t be that way, because we will loose our earthly form when we die.   How do I see it differently?  Maybe I don’t have a good enough imagination to see it, but I do know it will look fairly different that what I imagine it to be.  I know life in heaven will be without sin, without having to choose between right and wrong and spending eternity happy.   Does it matter that it will look different than what I imagine?  I guess not because ultimately it’s our goal and how it looks shouldn’t matter. 

So when I am a little frightened about death and living life forever in Heaven, I will just remember that when it is my time to go, that God will take me in his arms and will bring me peace because he is taking me home.  How that home will look will make no difference to me at that point because my earthly body will be gone and all that will be left is my spirit.  I sure hope God/Jesus can handle my spirit up there in Heaven though… I still might cause trouble (in a non sinful way of course).   I guess how we look at Heaven in our earthly way is ok and we can imagine it however we want because when we actually get there, we will just be happy to be there and not worried about anything else. 

I still can not grasp eternity, but maybe as I get older I will understand all this a little better, but from my experience so far, that hasn’t been the case.  I guess it doesn’t matter if I don’t understand it and I will try not to over think it because it doesn’t really matter in the end because we will just be happy to be living with God/Jesus at his home.

So for now, I will imagine Heaven to be side by side with Jesus chatting with him about stuff and  Elton John playing the piano in the back ground (yes I have faith that he might still find his way there).   In case we do have any form of an earthly body, I have requested that mine look like Shania Twain’s. 

Here I sit at work (one of my bookkeeping clients) and I am delaying the number crunching that I will be doing in a bit. I have 3 plastic bags of papers, so something tells me it will be a long file. No biggie, I enjoy rummaging through piles of papers and inputting numbers. It is what I love to do and thankfully I can do a job that I love to do. I wish I had a few more clients, but that will take time and someday I might not even have to leave the house to do this, but do it all at home. Here is hoping!!!

I have been a Christian all my life... from the moment I had thoughts in my head, I remember thinking about Jesus. I have always had a relationship with him which has been great. I have always known that I was protected and had someone by my side all the time. Never once have I ever doubted it. What an amazing feeling that is.

I believe that Jesus is the son of God... and to me that means he is a separate entity of sorts. Do I believe in the Trinity... who knows... I believe that God and Jesus are one, the same way Doug and I are one... so I guess it all depends on your interpretation of that term. Does that make me less of a Christian??? I sure hope not because honestly I have no reason to believe that it makes any difference to my relationship with God/Jesus. Do I care if someone firmly believes in the Trinity??? Nope... they can believe what they believe and I can believe in what I believe... we are all allowed to have our opinions of the interpretation of the bible.

Jesus was put on this earth to show people the way in a human form. How lucky are we to have someone like him to live by example. I try really hard to live by his example and of course, fail at times. He wasn't liked much though and loved to be a rebel. I love that he did things out of the norm... granted he knew he was right, so I guess he had that knowledge. I don't have that knowledge, so sometimes it is hard to walk in his footsteps and know if you are doing it right or not.

I wonder if Jesus felt alone a lot... I think he did. He did things out of the ordinary and that usually means being alone. Heck he even got kicked out of his own home town, so I guess that means something. I love that he said things as he saw it... he had the confidence to do that and not care about the consequences. Unfortunately, I am not like that and when I do try to be a little more like that, we are hated by people even more. So I tend to keep my mouth shut about things now because it just makes people feel better. I wonder what he thought about himself though? I guess he didn't regret anything he said to people, because he was without sin, and I think regret somewhat can stem from sin. I wish I could say things and know with 100% confidence that what I said was how I was supposed to say it. Usually it is about 95% though, but that extra 5% is what gets me thinking.

Jesus is my hero... he is who I look up to and who I want to follow. I know he is my best friend and he doesn't mind if I grumble to him a bit every so often. He puts up with me and loves me just how I am. Granted I try to be who he wants me to be... I don't want this to be a one sided friendship. I don't want him to be the one that does everything for me and I give nothing back. So I work very hard on giving back to him what he deserves. I want our friendship to be 2 way relationship... to be all it can be. I love my friendship with Jesus... I know it is forever and one day I will actually get to see him face to face. Then I can give him a great big hug and thank him for real! Then I won't be alone anymore... what a thought.

Doug and I struggle with the concept of friendship... we believe it is one thing and other's think it is another. I think others must struggle with this too. I think people fill their lives with church, kids and sports so that they can forget how lonely this world can be. We don't have any of those things in our lives and so we notice the emptiness. Honestly though, I would rather be alone then to have friends that never call. It would be like God/Jesus taking care of us ALL the time, but we never pray to him... maybe once a year or so just to make a small connection to make sure God/Jesus is still there. That is a sucky relationship and I want no part of that. The only way we can communicate with God/Jesus is by prayer... which doesn't have to look official, but just the occasional daily hello and how are you. My phone doesn't connect to Heaven so I have to use prayer. Us humans though have phones to talk to each other and we can use them every so often... heck we even have email, which is much easier than a phone LOL. We have used that phone thing a lot but it tends to be fairly once sided... we use the dial pad a lot, but our phone rarely rings... must be something wrong with it HA HA HA.

Again, I have said this before... I would love to move away from all this to start over again. Clean the slate with all new people and see if we can improve our relationship skills with new people who don't have preconceived ideas of us. But... if we are going to stay here, then we will have to figure it out with what we have. We are working on getting into new groups to see if we can find a new circle of friends. If it doesn't work, we are ok with that too. If nothing else, we have the most amazing car to drive in when we feel down. Heck it is still amazing even if we feel up HA HA HA.

Life is about learning and making our light Shine for Jesus. If we have no other purpose than that, I am ok with that. So I need to work on making my light shine. How does this look? We will see. We are open to the possibilities and I think we try very hard to be open to what God/Jesus wants us to be.

"we were meant to shine, not just survive" ... that is our new life motto.

Many years ago (probably about 8ish), I remember telling some friends why we were upset with them... (we should know better, but we don't).

They were new to Canada and when they moved here, we opened up our home to them, including my family parties... we invited them to some family functions (including Christmas) and just tried to make them feel welcome here in Canada. It went great for about a year or so... we would see them often, they would come to our place to visit, and we would go to their place and visit... but soon it slowed down. They became the popular people in the church and preferred to spend time with the movers and shakers of our church. It wasn't long before they were too busy to do stuff with us anymore... and our friendship dwindled.

One day I decided to let them know why we were leaving the church and why we weren't friends with them anymore... and the response to that was...are you ready for this... even though they only see some people once a year, they still consider them great friends. I was floored and honestly, totally stunned. How could I respond to that? I didn't and just left it at that.

Why do I bring this up? Well, it has happened to us again... we have a friend that never calls us, and now has informed us that he considers Doug his good friend... I am totally at a loss about this whole concept. How does one have a great friendship if you never get together? I totally understand being a friend with people long distance... but best friends? Not sure how that is possible. We have some good friends spread through out the US and we truly appreciate who they are and what they mean to us, but they can't be there when we need a shoulder to cry on and when we just need some company in the evening. To me that is where the best of friendships happen... the face to face of everyday of life.

I guess because we don't have kids, or go to church, our life isn't totally occupied by other things, and so a close friendship is important. For us, if distance is an issue, then that is a decent excuse for not phoning to visit, but what is the excuse if you live near by? So, the assumption is that if someone doesn't ever call, then doesn't that mean they don't want to do stuff with us? To me that seems pretty straight forward and honestly, I am ok with that. Good grief, I don't expect people to like us, and if they don't want to do stuff with us, then that is their choice. My issues is if they don't do stuff with us, but still call us friends.

Doug and I are ok with our life. I would prefer to live it in California though... if we are going to be alone, then I would like to be alone in nice weather and surrounded by crazy people just like us. Now this post is not directed to anyone on my facebook friends list, so don't think I am posting this about you. My parents have been our best friends and have been there through our ups and downs. My friend Conny comes out to visit me in White Rock at any given time that I ask... something tells me she gets as lonely as we do. Our friends Kraeg and Anna are just plain busy with starting a new business (but they better start pulling up their friendship boot straps soon HA HA HA... breaky soon???).

Sometimes I wonder what we are supposed to do in this life. I posted a song by Mercy Me on facebook awhile ago called "This Life". It describes our thought process and I think it encourages us on how to live. We aren't going to fit into this world, but we can still Shine... we were meant to shine for God. He created us for a reason, and sitting back and letting the world pass us by is not an option, so we will keep our mind open to all that he wants us to do. We have no idea how that will look, or where it will take us in this life, but I think we are open to all possibilities.

We still feel unsettled here, but something tells me that is just how we are supposed to feel. Keeps us from getting too comfortable I guess (i will just keep saying that to myself). For now we will enjoy living only an hour from my parents so we can visit just about every week. Maybe some day we will live a 2 1/2 hour flight away instead. For now we will enjoy living in the beautiful seaside town of White Rock driving our Mustang Convertible with Mickey Mouse in the back seat. We will enjoy our new pet Minnie and we will take whatever vacation we can grab a hold of. God has been good, and I will never complain about what we have... we are forever grateful for our life no matter how it looks.

So if you see a blondie and a red head walking hand and hand (well... side by side) on the beach, know that we are living the life the best we can and we are happy doing it together with God happily protecting us from all sides.