California for Stefani

We were at church Saturday night and the speaker spoke about struggling which was a very good topic for us currently.  Then he want to read out of Judges 6 & 7 about Gideon and his plight.  It was a good topic, but I think I would have preferred other references of how God helps us through struggles, especially in the New Testament.  Here is why…

I personally find the Old Testament depressing.  There is so much hurt, destruction, multiple wives, ect.  I am not saying it isn’t important because it is our foundation that our Christianity is based on.  It is our history so we can’t ignore it… but I still tend to find it overly depressing.  I think it is because they had no Hope, like we have.  We have Jesus who died on the cross and forgave our sins (no matter the sin).   We don’t have to give sacrifices for our sins… all we have to do is pray for forgiveness and it is given to us because of Jesus. 

I landed up reading ahead a bit and read about Ruth… she was kinda cool and I do like that story.  We read these stories and just look at them as stories, but they actually happened… these people we read about when through all of this.  I can’t even imagine Joseph and all the things he had to go through… makes me appreciate my life… granted we have hope, no matter what we can pray to Jesus and there is peace.

It has been a rough few days.  Yesterday I fluctuated between happy and depressed, which is annoying in one hand, but good for my food intake because when I get stressed, I stop eating.  Hopefully I loose a few pounds during all this LOL.  It has hard to see what will happen when rent is due in just over a week.  What are we going to do?  What about the other bills that are just starting to pile up a bit (nothing to major yet).  I try to not think about it, but when it is quiet and there is nothing occupying my mind… that is where it goes.  It is why I am watching lots of tv currently (and applying for lots of jobs).   I keep praying and I know we are blessed to have HOPE… we know that God/Jesus will take care of us and that something will work out.  We both will find the jobs we need to find and we can settle down into a routine again.

Tomorrow I get to do some bookkeeping for a client, so at least that will keep my mind occupied for awhile.  There is nothing like being surrounded by numbers to ease one’s mind.  My stomach is in knots a lot these days and I hope that goes away soon.  It makes enjoying food a little tough LOL.  I have to keep praying and looking to God… it is what I keep saying to myself over and over again.  I am grateful for worship music, that is for sure.  Not sure how I would survive without that.

So here is to another day tomorrow and I am praying that things work out and that God/Jesus will give us peace and we are grateful for our Hope that we have.

Anyone who knows me and has been to our house knows about my love for knick knacks… I think they represent little moments in time and they are are a remind of things in our past.   My house is full of these things and i love looking at them all the time.  In our bedroom is a wall of pictures of our various travels, and just about every morning I lie in our bed and just look at them and smile about all the fun we have had in our lives.  Right now we are going through some trials, but in a few weeks, we will be adding more knick knacks and pictures to our home as we travel with my parents to Hawaii and visit Aulani.  Right now we can’t really afford it, but it will all come together even if it means dumpster diving for food.  Our strength is in God and that Doug will find a job soon and that I might get a few more clients for bookkeeping.  We are both feeling an amazing peace about it all though and know that no matter what, God will keep us safe.  I hope we can keep our condo here at the beach… we love it here and would hate to move.  So here is praying that rent will be made at the end of month, the car payment can be made and that food will be on our table.  I think we will be ok though, it is what is promised by our God and Saviour (aren’t we lucky to have that?). 

So… on with the knick knacks… here are a few pictures of them in our house and an explanation of what they are:

From left to right… first we have a little dinosaur that was bought by my sister and I think given to me for either Christmas or a birthday.  I just thought it was really cute and have kept it for years.  Then there is a picture of my mom when she was a kid, again, I just thought it was really cute and think it is perfect in our knick knack wall.  Next to that is a little lantern which I think I got as a kid from my parents.  I have kept it all these years as a representation of my wonderful childhood.  In front of that is a crystal, again, something I got from my parents and I have kept it all these years.  The little knick knack on the far right is from a family friend from my childhood and she gave that to us on our wedding.  It says “he gave us love”… very appropriate for a wedding gift and a wonderful memory of the Fast family who brought us lots of laughs and great memories.

The next picture is three little souvenir glasses from a Princess Cruise.  They came with Limoncello in it, but we drank that on the ship.  On top of the middle one is a replica of our dog Louie, who passed away a few years ago.  I got it custom made and she used a picture of Louie to make it, so it looks just like him.  There is also a seashell on this shelf and that just represents our love of the ocean.  The spoon is from a co-worker and friend named Becky who has a wonderful love of life and a great example of a wonderful loving Christian woman. 

 

Now this shelf has some unique items on it… first we have two “ship on a stick” from Carnival.  One is from our cruise on the Carnival Splendor, which went from a Mexican Riviera cruise to a Pacific Coastal cruise up to Victoria (due to the swine flu).  The other ship is from the Carnival Dream which we did with my cousins from Florida a few years ago… great memories.  Then in the middle is a picture of Doug’s brother Gregory who passed away less than a year after that picture was taken.  We will always keep a picture of him on our shelf.  On the far right is an agate, which I found one day at the river (many years ago).  It is fairly big and heavy and is sort of shaped like a foot.  I don’t think we have every found an agate that big ever, so I have always kept it with me.  It actually was packed with our suitcase to go with us to Mexico.  Then you see three black labs… they were from my aunt and uncle (Klaus & Esther) who thought they looked like Louie and figured we would like them.  I love these kind of things because it shows that people do think about us when they see something.

I have a lot more knick knacks around the house, but I just wanted to show off a few of them.  My friend Grace from California has bought me a number of Disney things in her travels as most people know I am a sucker for Mickey Mouse.  Our house is full of Mickey Mouse / Disney stuff from people seeing them and thinking to get them for us.   Our bedroom is full of Disney items and I will never get sick of that (since I have a Mickey tattoo, that better be the case).  On our fire place mantel is the Mickey/Minnie candle that my friend Conny bought us when we were in Hawaii last.  All these little things all over our house has memories attached to it.   We are blessed to have these memories and I look forward to adding more to our life.

Here is to many more knick knacks for our home because that means we love to explore, travel, are loved and are thought about… all this is thanks to our wonderful God/Jesus who allows us to have fun in life.

It is a start of a new year. Not sure how I feel about 2011. It was an ok year, but nothing to fantastic. I didn't work as much as I wanted, so that means our credit cards are a little higher than we want. Doug was layed up for a few months (but thankfully he could still work). He is doing much better, so that has been really nice. We did loose out on our summer because of that, so I think our vacation to Hawaii next month is something we are looking forward to even more.

Yesterday Doug was asked to help out with a worship team playing drums. We don't go to the church at all. I think most people on a worship team would have issues with that but not this worship team... they are just happy if someone will play and fill in when there is a need. This got me thinking about our church situation again and here is my take on it...

Here is our church... it is a handful of people who get together once a week to talk about their lives, God and just regular people stuff. We have no structure, just ideas and fun. When there is a need in the group, it is filled... for example last August I was exhausted from having to do everything for Doug. I just couldn't keep up with things, so I asked our group if they could help with food and everyone of them chipped in. Yup, that is what church is about. To me, that is church... we may only be 9 people, but it is church to me. We even do things outside of our meeting time... for example a few weeks ago the ladies (yes I will use that term) went downtown and shopped... yup, there I was wandering stores like LuLu Lemon (what the heck kind of stupid name is that) in downtown Vancouver with some wonderful ladies. Even though I am not a shopper, I enjoyed my time with them. It was nice getting to know them a little more. Tomorrow I am going to a ladies only brunch and then we are going for tea after... if anyone knows me, this is so unlike what I like to do... but it is all about getting to know people better and doing things outside of your comfort zone.

This is all church for me... and for now, this is all I need. Anyone who thinks that being a Christian means you have to do more church than that, has rocks in their head. I believe church looks different to everyone. It is all about our relationship with other Christians and how we live our lives for Jesus/God. I like this church that we are in... sure some of them are part of a bigger "formal" church, but they have no expectations of us and in fact, they are ok with Doug helping out in their worship team at the "formal" church.

I did ask Doug yesterday a question... and here is what it was... "do I look weird being with a bunch of 30 and younger people?" Everyone in our little church is much younger than us. I want to make sure we fit in and not embarrass them when we are in public, as I tend to like Mickey Mouse just a little too much LOL. Doug says I fit in fine, and that makes me glad. It is hard being in our 40's and feel much younger than that. I love how they all except us for who we are, even if we are the old folks of the group. We are both very grateful for each and every one of them and how they have become a part of our lives. Unless we move to California anytime soon, we plan on being a part of their lives for a long time... they will have to kill us to get rid of us (or find a way for us to move to California LOL).

So that is my post about our church...

Just over a month ago Doug started having some leg pains and then some back pains… a month later he is on a narcotic and uses a walker and a wheel chair to get around.  Today he is waiting for an MRI so that we can get an idea of what his future holds for surgery or other options.  When it comes to the scans, he has been doing well.  He has managed to get an MRI fairly quickly and for that we are grateful.  We were wondering if we would have to pay for on that he could fit into, but so far this one looks good.  The rest of the story isn’t so happy… I have never been so unsatisfied with the quality of care in my life.  Our doctor went on holiday’s and the clinic he works out of was not overly helpful, so we have managed to get most of our information from the internet.  Today we saw his doctor and he was very reassuring that the meds that Doug is on would be ok for him.  Being that he is on a narcotic, we were worried about addicting side effects, but Dr. Lowe says he should be ok.   We are hoping the orthopaedic surgeon will give us some other options especially for the cruise.  We will ask about a corotzon shot or an epidural.

We are both so tired from all this ordeal.  It has been a fight to get care.  The biggest problem is everyone is on holiday’s and so we were lost in the cracks of the system.  It isn’t a perfect system, but I am sure glad we haven’t had to pay for all this care up front.  I can’t even imagine how much this would have cost if we had lived in the states.  With both of us being self employed I think medical insurance in the states wouldn’t have been much of an option.  So for now I will be happy that we are Canadians that has a fairly decent medical system but just needs a little bit of work. 

One of the things that it is in the bible is talking about caring for the sick.   I know Doug isn’t in the hospital, but does he have to be for people to care for him?  One of the things I have asked for is help.  The kind that involves more than just “prayer”.   I totally believe in prayer, do not get me wrong, but should there not be more than just praying for someone (if you can)?   Our bible study group brought food one week and that is greatly appreciated.  My parents are a great source of strength.  What about the Christians in the area that say “we are praying for you”, but don’t do anything to physically help us?   I am not asking for a lot, how about even a little visit?  Is that so hard for people?   I guess it is because nobody other than my friend Conny (bible study group and parents not included) has even bothered to come by.  I am truly disappointed but honestly, that isn’t a change in my thinking anyway.  It is why we stopped going to church… we just landed up always getting hurt and being disappointed by our fellow “Christians”.  i remember when Doug had his stroke 15 years ago and the church that we were going to did nothing to help us. Somewhere along the line this world has gotten to be a “me” generation and nobody wants to help anyone else.   

I know how hard I work at helping out those in need that ask for it.  When my grandma went into the hospital near us, I made sure we visited often and got the rest of the family encouraged to do the same.  All people need is some attention… a hug maybe, or just a cup of coffee and a shoulder to cry on.  I guess that is too much to ask… bummer.  I guess I have high expectations… time to lower them LOL.  I do have to become a little less cynical though as that isn’t going to help my personality much.  I used to have so much faith in people and as I get older, that faith has diminished.  I know my attitude about church needs adjusting and I am working on that.  I have chats with God about it all the time.

My faith in God/Jesus has not changed at all though.  I can separate “church” from my relationship with God.  I love how I know Jesus is our best friend.  He came to this earth to feel everything we have felt.  He is no stranger to all of this and every feeling I am dealing with, he has felt it too.  It is great strength that I know I am not alone in how I feel and how people disappoint.  He has felt it so much more.  Can you imagine knowing you are saving this world from sin and still people spit on you… how heartbreaking would that be for someone.  Jesus is my example.  I want to live how he lived… he was the ultimate rebel and did things the way he thought it should be.  I love my friendship with him and will cherish that always.  I know that he weeps when we weep about all this.  I know that he hurts when we hurt.  He has dealt with it all and there is comfort in that.  Jesus is the great comforter (hopefully feather) and I will always look to him no matter what.   This world will try to get us down, and we will just keep fighting it and keep looking to our saviour for peace and love.  There is no greater love that is for sure, and I feel it all the time. 

I have to focus on the positive and not the negative.  We have a “free” medical system.  We are driving around an amazing car that brings us so much joy.  We love living by the beach and have been able to wheel Doug out there to enjoy the beautiful ocean waves.  We have my parents who are so supportive and we will be vacationing with them in just over a month.  Why do I need more?  I think that should be enough, so I will focus on that and not what I might be missing out on.

I think we are in week 4 of Doug’s back issue.  He has been doing well with his percocet which has been helping with pain management.  It has addicting side effects, but since it is the only thing that is helping, I guess we stick with that.  We finally got to see a doctor (Chiropractor) and he has started Doug on Low Intensity Laser Treatment.  His regular doctor is back next Monday, and I think he is going to get an earful on how bad this has all gone for Doug.  If it wasn’t for the Chiropractor, he would have nobody telling him how to get this fixed.   With all this going on in our lives and the extra drug costs, our bank account is looking thin (darn).  I can’t pick up any other clients because I am making sure that Doug is managing at his job.  Thankfully the clients that I do have are flexible and I can make it work around our schedule, but I just don’t have the energy either to do any more work.  

I got someone to clean our house a few weeks ago and tomorrow I have a personal care aid coming in to help me a bit with some cooking and even some company.  I will talk to her about coming in regularly for cleaning and some other things though.  We can’t afford to go out as much, but I don’t have the energy to cook, so something has to give LOL.   I rented Doug a wheelchair so that has helped him get around a bit, but boy is it heavy and it only fits into the back seat of the car, so I have to lift it up.  Good thing the weather has been nice though, because it only fits back there if the top is down.  Hopefully I don’t need to get a hitch to cart around a wheel chair LOL

Last week our home group supplied meals which was really nice.  This week I have managed with some of those leftovers.  Not sure what will happen for next week, but maybe I will get dinners organized and have someone cook them for me (or she can do the dishes LOL).  I am getting a good rate from my client (Comfort Keepers), so it might be worth having her come in a few times a week for awhile. 

We go on vacation next month.  I have a wheelchair ordered for the cruise and we just have to figure out if Doug can manage the flights.  I think the rest he should be ok with even if it means taking a bit more drugs to help him manage his pain.   We can’t wait to do the Panama Canal cruise and I am looking forward to having someone do a lot of the work for me.  I am thinking there will be no ziplining for Doug though.

Through all this, I have never blamed God for this.  We live in a world of sin, and this is all a part of it.  God/Jesus provides us the peace to manage through it all.  I have very little emotion left at the end of the day, but I know that I am very much loved by God and that he holds me in his arms throughout the day.   I am so very grateful for that and the peace that he gives me to manage through all this. 

I am also very grateful for the people who have helped physically supporting us right now as that is what we need the most.   My parents are the best and they are the greatest support out there.  Thanks to everyone in our bible study group who helped when I sent out a call.  My friend Conny has been wonderful in her advise (she is a nurse) and someone to visit with when I need a break from life.  At one of my clients (Comfort Keepers) the office staff has been wonderful to me in all their support.  They all understand where I am coming from, which has been great.  There have been many others that have helped us in advise and prayers… thank you so much.  Right now I need people who I can touch… the ones that can either help out or just come over and visit and take my mind off of all the things that needs to be done.   I love Doug very much but sometimes I need to see someone other than his sexy face ;)  If I get to that point, sometimes I just go downstairs and visit with my friend Anica who runs the market there.  I love people watching and visiting with her.  She has become a great friend to the two of us.

So goodbye for now… if you come to White Rock you might see a red head pushing the beach bum (not blond right now) in a wheel chair.  They will be smiling because if everything else crashes in the world, we still have our ocean front condo and our convertible Mustang.

Yup, Doug and I like to do things in a big way.  At the age of 32 my hubbie decided to have a stroke.  This was so unusual that the doctor’s didn’t diagnose it until 8 hours after he had it.  By then he had taken the wrong medication and any lasting effects couldn’t be reversed.  Thankfully the lasting effects have diminished.  Then 2 1/2 years ago I had surgery to remove my uterus AND 3 fibroids… one the size of a cantaloupe and 2 the size of oranges (the biggest my doc had seen).  Nope, we don’t like to do things quiet and normal… we like to make it showy and big.  Then a few weeks ago, Doug gets a pain in his ass (still a pain in my ass in other aspects though LOL).  Within a week, the pain has gotten so bad that he can barely do anything around the house.  Then this morning he doesn’t even make it to the bathroom and lands up lying on the floor in front of the toilet.  We decide to call the ambulance after realizing he can’t make it back to bed.  They show up and he is lying in the hallway of our bedroom and talking to the guys.  We all were in decent spirits since what else can you do.  They tried to get the gurney into the bedroom, but it wouldn’t make it around the counter, so I had to drag my poor husband from the bedroom and into the dining room.  Yup, that was a sight I am sure, me pulling on my husbands arm to get him to the gurney so he could go to the hospital.  Once in the dining room they got him onto the gurney and managed to get to the hospital.  I followed a few minutes behind in the car. 

We spent the wonderful sunny day in the hospital.  If nothing else we enjoyed a lot of activity.  I gather from comments from others that a sunny day, long weekend and that it was a sunday, brings out the nut bar’s in White Rock and EVERYONE wants to go to emergency.  Actually Doug was stuck in the hallway in ER by the ambulance entrance… wow that was exciting.  We get to know a few of those wonderful people (ambulance workers) because we saw them so often.   At the end of our 7 hour ordeal, Doug had 20mg of Morphine, 2 Percocet and 1 other drug that I don’t remember the name of (also a CT Scan on a long weekend).  He was finally able to leave in a wheel chair and go home to the comfort of his bed.  Now I am trying to convince him to shuffle downstairs to watch the torch light parade.  We will see how that goes.  The Percocet seems to be working and while we wait for the MRI to be scheduled he will take the meds and hopefully the pain will subside a bit.  We landed up getting a great orthopedic surgeon on our side, so I think we will have some good results through all this. 

I am tired though… it’s been a long 3 weeks and I can’t manage it all.  I have asked for help from our bible study group and they are stepping up to that call.  I hired a cleaner to help around the house because I just can’t keep up with that either.  I think the one thing that goes through my mind all the time is that I have done this all before.  When Doug had his stroke I did everything too and in that case we lost our business because nobody could help us with all that needed to be helped with.   I will be ok though, but right now I am just emotionally tired.  It may look like I don’t have a lot of sympathy for Doug, but I do… I just can’t show it… I am tired (emotionally and physically) and just managing day to day.  Once this is all over, I will perk up again and hopefully things will go back to normal.  It may take awhile to get our lives back in order, but we are survivors.  We have managed 23 years of marriage with lots thrown at us and we can take this too… we don’t do things in a small way… we do it GRAND!!!

Thanks everyone for the prayers,

written by the crazy red head (and tattooed one) in the family.  Doug (the partial blonde) says HI too.

Figured it was time for another post.  Life is going well, nothing to exciting, which is good I guess.  We booked a cruise for 2013 (20 night Caribbean cruise) and we bought a hot tub.  The hot tub is somewhat portable, so it is easy to move if we don’t stay in the place we are living in now.  We are enjoying our place a lot and hope to be there for a bit yet.   We still feel unsettled though, but not sure how to deal with that.  So for now we just stay where we are, book our vacations and let life go as it is. 

A few months ago we joined a home group/bible study group (whatever you want to call it).  They aren’t bothered that we don’t go to their church.  Everyone is much younger than us, but again, they don’t seem to be bothered by it.   We have been doing some series called the “Passion” series by Louie Giglio… lets just say it is better than the first one we had started with.  He is very much a excited speaker and because he talks mostly to teens/college students, it is very different.  One of the things he talked about a few weeks ago is how we should resemble Jesus.   To me I have no issues with that because that is how I try to live my life, but does he really realize how that might look to the world?  Does he know that Jesus was a rebel and did things against the grain?  I can’t imagine churches would be too happy with their congregation if everyone resembled Jesus… it would be utter chaos because the leader’s wouldn’t be able to control their people.  There are so many aspects of Jesus that is so different than what people think.  He came to earth to live our life.  He experienced everything we have/did.  He knows what we are going through with everything.  There is great peace in knowing that we have someone who has dealt with it all.

Jesus is amazing and I try really hard to be who he wants me to be and to be what he was when he was on earth.  Obviously me being a sinful human, I tend to screw that up every so often, but thankfully we are forgiven (YEAH GOD)!  Jesus is a great friend and someone who loves to hear our thoughts, our desires and just how life is going.  He knows what we are going through and can relate to us.  I work very hard to resemble who he is.  I love how Jesus was able to speak his mind no matter what.  He said it the way it was… granted he knew he was right.  I think I blogged on that concept awhile ago.  I wish I felt secure in saying my mind.

Louie (the speaker) also talked about loving without judgement… all I can say is “wouldn’t that be nice”.  I see so little of that in Christian people.  There is always an ulterior motive for “loving” someone.  Even if it is to bring them to church.  Why can’t you love someone for who they are, not for where you can bring them.  What does it matter if they go to your church?  Let them see our love and then see where they go from there.  Let God deal with that aspect of things.   I say love someone without expecting anything in return.  That is how God does it.  He loves us no matter what.

Yesterday he (Louie) talked about Hope.  I didn’t agree with all he said, but again, that doesn’t make any difference.  He did talk about how life has it’s bad spots and they will just happen.   It is hard to sum up everything he said, but at least this time I found it a little more interesting than his other stuff.   I agree that God never promised us a perfect life, but he never intended our life to be this way.  We have sin in our life and that is what causes the problems.  He gave us freedom to choose  and we don’t always choose the right things.   We have hope though, which is nice.  Even when crap is thrown at us, we have hope that we will make it through and we can keep going on.  Never with all the crap that we have gone through, have I doubted that God/Jesus loves me.  I know he is not to blame for the stuff because he gave everyone choices, and so decisions can be made that aren’t right and we suffer because of that.  Why would I blame God for that.  I know without a doubt that we are loved unconditionally.  Jesus knows all that we have gone through and he surrounds us with his love no matter what is going on in our lives.  That is some amazing HOPE for us. 

So on a lighter note… it is friday.  We have the weekend coming up and have no major plans.  We will be going to my parents on Sunday and visit.  Tomorrow we might just see what the beach will hold for us.  In 25 days we will be on our way to LA and be visiting with friends and exploring one of my favourite cities.  Then we will board the Disney Wonder and sail back home in the proper Disney style.

I am enjoying getting to know the people in our Bible Study group.  It’s interesting seeing things from their point of view.  I am made aware on how much we learn in life.  I have changed so much in the last 15 years of my life, especially my views on Christianity and all that it entails.   I have a much more relaxed view on things and realize that worrying about the things that make no different to ones faith is  pointless.  People can have their views, and I can have my views and we should all be able to live together with that.