California for Stefani

I am currently sitting at home enjoying a cup of coffee with some SF Peppermint syrup in it…trying to pretend it is a Starbucks Peppermint Mocha.   We had a great day yesterday.  Visited with my parents and my “adopted” sister Conny joined us for a nice relaxing visit.  Breakfast was blueberry blinzes and then dinner was chicken of the sea,  some real chicken and cheese smokies, along with rice and broccoli.  We don’t ever starve at my parents place.  Next week is Christmas and then we spend a few nights there enjoying all the festivities.

In the evening, my sister was helping out at the Children’s Christmas play at Eden Mennonite Church, which is the church I grew up in.  I have many great memories from there and some not so good memories, which is all a part of life and what molds us to have the opinions that we have.  There were lots of people that I knew from my childhood days.  Most of them where my parents generation, but there was a handful of the “kids” that I grew up with.   I got to say HI to my other “Barg” family – not related to them other than through marriage.  Dwayne hasn’t changed a bit and Dennis reminded me of his dad.   Dennis was my age…he was always nice to me if it was just me and him…when his friends where around, that changed.  Granted that is how most of my age group was anyway, so I really didn’t do much with my youth group.   I have said it before…i HATED being a teenager.   The church youth group treated me no differently than my school classmates. 

Church has always been an issue for me.  I grew up in a church that liked things a certain way (I think most churches are that way anyway).  I became a Christian at a very young age, probably around 4 or 5.  But in our church, you couldn’t be baptized until you were a teen, and then you had to do a speech in front of the church.  So for obvious reasons, I did not get baptized until I was married and I went to a different church to get baptized…in my own way…in a local lake, in November…yup, it was freezing cold, but totally worth it.  Even my baptism caused problems.  The current pastor of the church I was going to (a different Mennonite church) refused to do the baptism with the pastor that did do it.   Guess he was pissed that I choose to do it at a different denomination than Mennonite.  At least he showed up, which was nice…gotta look at the bright side right?

When I was 16, I realized that if I stayed going to Eden, I would probably never find a decent Christian guy that I wasn’t related to…so I went across the road to Glad Tidings…and there I met Doug (a post all on it’s own LOL).  I went to the youth group there for awhile and even though people where nicer to me, I was surprised how many “do’s and don’ts” they had.  They talked too much about premarital sex and how bad it was, bla, bla, bla…and most of the age group that Doug was with, where pregnant (before marriage).  Guess that didn’t work well LOL.  In Eden, we really didn’t go overboard on the premarital sex talk…they didn’t make a big issue about it.  It was assumed I think, that you just didn’t do it.  I don’t recall anyone having kids before marriage in my group of youth.   I do appreciate that from Eden that they didn’t go overboard on all the do’s and don’ts.  I think they taught more on why you didn’t have premarital sex and not just say “don’t do it”.   If you were wondering, yes I waited until marriage…to me that just makes sense.

Church has never gone well for me…but there are aspects that I miss.  I love the worship with music and such.  I enjoy meeting like minded people and getting to know them.  Eventually it all falls apart when I realize that every church has politics that bug me.  Doug has troubles getting involved in the music aspect of church…it always seems to be some crazy hoops to jump to get into the music department of church.  I find the like minded people that I enjoy, don’t want to spend time with us, so we always landed up leaving the Sunday church service, alone and sad.  Nobody would invited us over, etc.  So we just stopped going.  I can’t even  count how many times we would leave church crying.   Yes, we tried to invite people over, and sometimes they came over, but if a relationship is only one sided, you eventually just stop.    We haven’t given up on the church idea, but for now, we just aren’t trying too hard.   I hate rules/politics of church.  I have been to churches that believe you can’t do the chorus of a song more than once, I have been to a church where the whole service is done to the minute.  There is no room for spontaneous words.  I have been to a church where you sing a chorus for half an hour and have people running around with flags.  I have been to a church where the worship is wonderful and the music flows great.  I have been to a church where there is a group of people that go there, that make me want to run away crying in sadness.  All these churches have God in it…I won’t deny that.  I just don’t like rules and politics…someday I will get over it and try again. 

Church has good parts and bad parts…that is life here on earth.  Just because we are Christians, doesn’t mean we are perfect.  I think I would like to go to a church that is ok with the LGBT community though…granted churches have always changed.  I remember years ago, Eden wasn’t ok with divorced people going to it.  The church Doug went to, didn’t allow smokers to play music on the stage (bad influence???)…and women in leadership…I just won’t talk about that on how that has changed LOL.  So churches do change their thinking and eventually the LGBT community will be accepted in many churches.  I don’t care who you are, God loves everyone and Jesus was sent here for EVERYONE.  I still do believe in the sanctity of marriage though, and long term relationships.  I don’t care who you are, if you are in a relationship with someone, you stay true to them.   Guess that is a different post LOL.

I haven’t given up on Church…but I am not worried about if we don’t go right now.  We are going to a Toby Mac concert in February…that will be a good worship fest for me.  Then next July is Creationfest…so I get my fill of worship music.  I listen to worship music all the time, so I am always singing with God/Jesus in my car.  I don’t need church for that, but it would be nice to do that every so often…so we won’t give up on church, we just won’t let others make us feel guilty for not going

I don’t think I understand real anger.  The uncontrollable version that makes you do things that you regret after.  I remember as a teen when I was dating Doug (yes anger came often at this point)…and I would get angry at him for something he did.  I wanted to throw things but I always would say to myself “why throw it and break it, because in a few days, all will be ok and then I will still have a broken item”.  It actually irritated me sometimes because I just couldn’t be angry with no regrets. 

I read stories online about people taking their anger out on others (the service industry).  People then will post about the reasons for this anger and that we should feel sorry for them because they have lost someone dear to them, etc.  I just don’t get that…no matter your sorrow or your anger, why do others have to be the brunt end of it?  I remember when Doug had his stroke and I thought he was dying (yes, I truly thought he was dying)…I can’t even imagine going somewhere and taking it out on someone else.   Why would I be justified for my bad behaviour just because someone is dying in my life?   Sure, we make mistakes and I would assume that if I did do something like that, I would apologize right away and not wait until it got all over social media LOL.  I do think as a Christian, I need to choose my behaviour very carefully.  My life is an example of my Christianity.  I don’t go out preaching to the world, but I can show the world that being a Christian makes me a better person (for myself of course).  

Doug had anger issues when I met him, and also long into our marriage (which is why I write off the first 7 years of our marriage LOL).  He just couldn’t control what he said and then would have to apologize after.  I think what people need to understand is that every word that gets said (even if you didn’t mean it), still hurts the heart.   You can’t erase what you said and usually sticks in ones soul for a long time.  If you look at our situation as an example, I have written off many years of our marriage…and a lot of this is due to the anger he had.  We survived it and we still love each other.  But it sure would have been nicer if our marriage had been without those struggles.  Sure some people will say it made our marriage stronger…I think those people who say that are “full of crap”.   Good thing none of our friends would say that to our face because I think they would not be our friends any more LOL. 

Anger brings regrets (in my opinion).  I got really angry last Wednesday…so angry that I felt my blood pressure rising A LOT!!  But, I didn’t want to take it out on the poor Napa parts guy or the border guard.  It wasn’t the parts guy fault that the part was ordered from the wrong place, and the border guard just wouldn’t care and would throw me in jail   I had to sit in my car and breath (50 min border wait made that possible).   I had to make sure to calm down…for health reasons and so I didn’t take it out on others.  I guess I see no excuse for taking my anger out on others.  I can grumble, post on facebook, etc, but that is talk and I still treat others with respect.  I do know anger stems from a person past and how we are taught to deal with anger.  I know everybody comes from a different situation in life and may have learnt to deal with anger differently.  But honestly, how do we feel when someone takes their anger out on us?  Why would we want to do that to others. 

Obviously everyone has different issues and I am not talking about my friends and family about this issue.  Other than our marriage, I am talking about things I have read online about why people say the things they do to others when angry.  I guess it frustrates me that people would be so mean to others and then use the excuse that they are dealing with a traumatic situation in their life.  I feel bad for the traumatic situation but it doesn’t mean you have to be mean to someone…does it?  Honestly, just start crying…that should do it for most people…I think you will get lots of compassion that way.  I will say that I have been blessed by growing up in a home that let us deal with our emotions properly and that anger really wasn’t prevalent in our home.  I think our relationship with God/Jesus has taught us how to treat others.  Yup, we make mistakes…and hopefully when we make a  mistake we can ask for forgiveness and get it.  I have forgiven Doug (of course)…that is a part of marriage and also that is a part of surviving on this evil earth, also it is required to forgive because if we don’t forgive others, we can’t be forgiven by God/Jesus, and that would just suck!!!

I am not tooting my own horn, not by any stretch of the imagination.  I am just voicing my frustrations on what I read online…and this is just my opinion.  I am not saying anyone is a worse Christian than someone else.  I am giving my experience with dealing with anger and how it effects me.   I think it ultimately comes down on how we are raised to deal with anger.  I think God/Jesus can do plenty of healing in ones life when it comes to our emotions, but that doesn’t always mean it goes away fully.  I know Doug has learned a lot and God/Jesus has calmed his soul.   But it didn’t happen overnight and it involved many, many fights in our lives.  But life here on this earth was never promised to be easy, so we muddle through it, trust God that we will always be loved no matter what, and we surround ourselves with people who encourage us, love us and just plain old appreciate who we are. 

It is October 2nd already…boy this year is going by quickly.  Currently Doug is playing guitar and listening to worship music…my favourite sounds, now I just have to get him to use the 12 string instead of the boring 6 string HEE HEE HEE!!  My Halloween decorations are up along with some lights.  My skeleton isn’t hanging on the door yet, but that will come soon.  I have 25 shows on my PVR set to record during this TV season…gesshhhh…when did I get to watching that much TV?  Granted what else is there to do in the evenings.  Wanna know what shows?

Blue Bloods, Bones, Castle, Chicago Fire, CSI, Elementary, Glee, Grey’s Anatomy, Hawaii Five-0, How I met Your Mother, Ironside, Last Man Standing, Agents of SHIELD, Mike & Molly, Modern Family, NCIS: Los Angeles, Parenthood, Sean Saves the World, Amazing Race, Big Bang Theory, Blacklist, The Crazy Ones, The Good Wife, Michael J. Fox Show, The Millers.  Some are new this season and some we have been watching for a number of years.  I like TV and it helps me escape reality.  It is nice to have some comedies on our list this season though, been a lot of drama’s on our list and a person needs a good laugh every so often.

I have been experimenting with recipes using my new multi purpose GF flour.  So far it has been going well.  You just sub it for regular flour and it should work.  Made tortillas today and they worked out pretty good.  I have been making bread for the last few weeks and that has been turning out really good too.  I use Coconut Sugar for most things that use regular sugar.  It is still a sugar but it has a lower glycemic index.  So far my sugar levels are doing very well and with the meds I am on, things seem to be doing ok.  Before our diet change, I was going to have to go on another diabetic drug, so I am happy that isn’t going to happen as I like the metformin I am on…works well and it is cheap (sort of).  My doctor was very happy with the results and was interested in what I was doing to help my diet along.  We have cut out drinking glasses of milk…all we have for milk products in the house is cream for the coffee and butter…those are two “must haves” in our house.  We use Soy Milk (organic and unsweetened) for our milk substitute.

Life is going pretty good and compare it to last year, it is going amazing.  I can’t believe how hard the last year and a half have been.  Sometimes I think we just about didn’t survive it…but thankfully we did.  It felt like it was never going to end and the light was never going to get brighter…but it did…phew!!!  We were thinking of moving from our current place, but thankfully we were able to work something out with our landlords to make it manageable for us to stay.  I like the place where we are for now.  I do want to move eventually, but all in it’s time.  Our rent includes utilities now, so now it doesn’t matter how much heat the person downstairs uses, or how often she does laundry.  Sure feels good to not have to worry about that now.  We built ourselves a very nice patio in the front yard and now we have some private space that is just ours.  Now I just have to work on our landlords to get us a front loading washing machine LOL.

I try not to get too worked up about politics these days…things get so frustrating when I read what is going on, both here and in the US.  Neither one of our countries seem to be managing to good…sigh…oh well…what can you do.  If nothing else, at least here in Canada, our government is still working and I can get sick, go to the hospital and not have to worry about paying for it.  Gotta focus on the positive and not the negative.  At least we live in a free country and if everything else is falling apart around us, our ability to worship God is still allowed and that is GREAT!!

So that is life right now…lots of things running through my head still about stuff, but not ready to put it down on paper (so to speak).  I always need time to get my thoughts in order so that they make sense.  Next month is our annual family trip to Tofino…and we get to bring along our niece again.  Love having Mikaela around in our lives…she makes me laugh and we can all use that in our lives. 

 I was inspired to write this after reading this post from a friend of mine

http://trentsfavoritethings.weebly.com/my-coming-out-story.html

I want to focus on a few things he wrote about what people told him because God told them to tell him that.

We grow up in a society that tells us not to question our parents or church.  You probably have heard to comment "obey your parents", etc.  That gives us no ability to actually come up with our own opinions and thoughts about things.  Church tells us that we are supposed to listen to their rules and regulations, and again, don't question it.  So we go through life being taught that if a brother sins...we are to talk to him "out of love" regarding that sin.  We have fallen for that a few times, and it backfired royally and actually caused Doug to have a stroke.

A story we heard from a friend of ours, years ago.  It was during a prophesy time and someone prophesied over a our friend...and then half way telling him what God told him...he then said..."I won't tell you the rest because I don't think you are ready for it"...ok...so if God told him to tell it to our friend, what happened?

So what if we were wrong about what we say to people "out of love".  We say that God told us to too you something, but what if our human minds get things mixed up and we didn't portray it the right way?  What if we talk to someone about their "sin" and it turns out it really wasn't a sin, just something that we think is wrong, but really, we are just being judgemental or just spewing things that our church/parents have told us and never questioned it.

We learned long ago (when Doug had his stroke), that we needed to learn to bite our tongue and when we talk to someone "out of love", that it better be positive things, encouraging and uplifiting.   If God wants someone to change their ways, I do think God is quite capable to manage that on his own.  He doesn't need us humans butting into each other's lives and telling each other what to do.  What one person considers a sin, may not be a sin to another.   I think there has to be some trust within our Christian community that we know what we are doing and that we can listen to God when we need some help in changing our ways.   If someone needs help, then I think that someone should ask for it...then talking to them "out of love" might be a way to go...but only if they are asking for that.

When God tell us to tell someone else something...I think we truly need to make sure it is from God and not our own judgements of someone.  God/Jesus is about uplifting us and encouraging us...so I would think that is what he will tell others to do too.   How hard is it to just pray with someone, listen to them, or just give them encouraging words.  Why point out "sins"...something tells me that if I have a sin in my life, I know about it already and hopefully am working through it.  I am not stupid...I can figure out right from wrong.  I think most other Christians are the same way.   So let's encourage, listen and love instead of being judgemental, negative and bitter. 

We have learned a lot in our marriage about God/Jesus.  We have changed our tune about what is considered a sin when it comes to being Gay.   If someone loves the same sex, what right do I have to tell them it is a sin?  What right do I have to say that they need healing if they want to go to a church.  Nobody has that right because maybe it isn't a sin.  What if people are wrong?  What if it isn't a sin...now you have poisoned them against the church.  What if we had not tried so hard to mend a friendship that was doomed to fail anyway?  Doug would not have had a stroke...our lives would have been oh so different...we wouldn't have lost our house and our business...all this because the church told us to try to fix something.   They were wrong!  We suffered because of it.  My friend Trent suffers because his church was wrong.

We can't dwell on the sins of others though...we have to practice what we preach right?  We all make mistakes and even if the people who wrong us don't say sorry, we still have to get over it.  We are all humans and we need to live in this world of humans.  I will not let my love of God/Jesus change because of what people do.  We need to make our own choices and our own decisions.  We need to evaluate what is wrong or right in our lives.  Don't let others dictate that for us.  Questions things, research things, talk to people, be open to change and love each other without judgement.
If you need to tell someone something "in love"...make sure it is encouraging and actually loving.   At least that is what I want from people.  Me and God have a fairly open relationship...if I am doing something wrong, I am fairly sure he will tell me ;)

Well...time to get to work...hopefully I have made myself clear...if not, ask a question, I will tell you if I can answer it or not.  I tend to have troubles getting the things from my head onto paper, so I may have said something in the wrong way, but didn't mean it that way...I am a numbers person, not a words person.  This is the best I can do LOL

It has been 1 1/2 years of struggles.  I think our early years of marriage hasn’t been as hard as this last bit has been.   There are days we didn’t think we could hang on anymore.  Obviously giving up isn’t an option, so we just kept on trucking (thank you mom and dad for financially helping).  I filed for bankruptcy and Doug did credit counselling, so our bills are all dealt with now.  We still were just making it pay cheque to pay cheque (which was expected).   There really isn’t much you can do when Doug is only making $12/hour and I don’t have 40 hours a week of clients. 

Last week an email came in from CDI College…the director wants to see Doug for an interview.  so on Thursday, we get ourselves into our dream car (the Mustang of course) and head to Metrotown.  I go shopping and Doug went to his interview.  I got a text from him that it was going well.  We have had so many disappointments at this point, I was just not going to get excited.  When we saw each other, he told me it went well and hopefully he would know soon.  As you all know, it wasn’t until Saturday morning (at the Costco Gas Bar) when we found out he got the job.  Now I got excited…finally…something is going our way.  He is going to be making $25/hour and working 30 hours a week.  How great is that.  Sure he has to get up at 5:30 in the morning, but that means he will be home late afternoon too.  Yes, it is about 2 hours of combined travel time on transit, but at least he doesn’t have to drive in rush hour traffic…he can let transit do that.  For now we are happy with 30 hours a week since under my bankruptcy (only 3 more months left of the 9 that I have to do budgets for)…we can only make a certain amount of money any way, so this just means I work a little less so that we don’t make too much money.

So our next little dilemma was the fact I would have to get up with Doug to drive him to the park n ride to pick up the bus to Surrey.  If he takes the bus from our place, it ads another half hour to the trip, and the park n ride is only 7 minutes away.  I didn’t mind driving him but it seems kinda silly as I would just have to go back home again.  So we thought about getting a motorcycle.  It is much easier to park there as the lot is always full, so this way he can park the bike in the motorcycle parking area.   A scooter isn’t an option…that would just be too embarrassing to ride and I doubt it would handle Doug driving it anyway.  

Obviously we don’t have the money for anything right now, but we knew that with Doug making some money soon, we could probably manage to borrow a little bit of money from my parents and buy some early 80’s fixer upper to get too and from the park n ride.  So off to Craigslist we go…we found a few, and would have even looked at them, if I hadn’t landed up talking to one of my clients who buys ICBC write offs and resells them.  He is a generous man, and when he heard that we were looking for a bike, he told me he would work something out.  So, with the money we are hoping to borrow from my parents and me working for him for the next few years, we managed to get a 2007 Yamaha V-Star 650.  If you look on Craigslist for this bike, you will see how expensive they are.  He is selling it to me for a little over cost and letting me work it off.  How amazing is that.  So now we have a reliable second vehicle.  Sure we have to deal with rain a lot, but that just means we get some good rain gear for the short trips too and from the park n ride.  For my little running around town to clients, I bet I will save money on gas if I use the bike over the Mustang.  Yes, the Mustang guzzles gas for the short trips.  It prefers the long highway trips. 

So, I am going to say it…we are finally getting blessed by the bowl full.  Sure we have been blessed with the little things for the last year and a half.  We managed to keep our head above the water, but most days we just felt like we were drowning.   I think I finally feel that I am actually out of the water.   I haven’t felt like this in a few years.  I have been so tired and so depressed about it all.  Since most of our debt is wiped off our slate (paying back some via Credit Counselling), we can start all over.  Our place is affordable, our car is affordable and now we have a bike to help us out with getting around, and food isn’t overly expensive since we can head to the US…so maybe, just maybe things will all come together.

Did I ever doubt God??? NOPE, never.  I know he was always with us, and he can’t control what others do.  This isn’t his fault.  He can’t tell people to hire Doug.  But he can bring people in our lives that want to bless us…and he has.   The new job for Doug is what he has always wanted to do again…teaching.  I might be able to slow down a bit with clients, which is nice since I have been really busy for awhile now.  We can maybe even afford vacations for next year, which is probably the most exciting thing…because as you all know, I live for my vacations.

God is great, and I don’t blame him for the last year and a half.  I also don’t believe the saying “all in his time”.  I don’t believe he wanted us to live like this for the last year and a half either…that would be cruel.  But I do know that he is with us no matter what this mean world throws at us.  We live in a world of sin, and other than dying and leaving this world, there is no way to get out of it.  So we take the lumps that get thrown at us and hopefully there are more smooth sailings than lumps.  So today, we are happy!  Doug’s last day at his old job is tomorrow and on Monday he starts his new job.  I only have 3 months left on my bankruptcy and Christmas is less than 5 months away…and outside sits the two most beautiful vehicles in the world…the Mustang and the Motorcycle.  I can’t even explain the pure joy my heart feels when I look out at my two vehicles…how can two objects like that bring a person such joy.   Thank you God!

Let’s look at the definition of what a fundamentalist is:

A usually religious movement or point of view characterized by a return to fundamental principles, by rigid adherence to those principles, and often by intolerance of other views and opposition to secularism.

I am the opposite of that.  I AM a Christian!  Can I be an unfundamentalist Christian?  I sure hope so because that is what I am.  My heart aches for all those other Christians out there that don’t have a “church” home.  Right now our “church” home is at my parents’ because that is where we spend our Sundays.  Someday I hope to find something during the week that allows us to freely be who we are as Christians.  But what about those who don’t have that, or are maybe aching for a place to call home, but can’t find a “church” home that will allow them to be who they are?  It seems that most churches want you to have a rigid view of their policies, and of course that includes any gay or other unique personalities.  One sign on a church board says something about “come as you are”, and they will change you from the inside out.  So…that implies that you can be “unique”, but they will change you so that you conform to their ways.

I may not be gay, but I am sure unique.  I believe that gay is NOT a sin…you love you who you love, the sex of that person does not dictate that.  I believe that we should not judge others and that if God needs to change them, then He will do just that.  I believe that as Christians we should be way more tolerant of others.  LOVE everyone because God loves us for who we are.  I believe in marriage…no matter who you are.  I believe marriage is about love and compassion.  It doesn’t matter if it is same sex or opposite sex…I have more of an issue with marriage when people abuse each other.  I do believe it is between two people…not a village LOL  I believe that our faith is not dictated by a Church building…I am still a Christian even though currently I do not go to church.  In fact, my faith is not measured by how often I go to church.  Granted if a person likes going to church and finds that it brings them joy and peace, I have no issues with that either.  I am unique and I love who I am…I have pink hair, a Mickey Mouse tattoo and I have been married 25 years (yes that makes me unique…have you met Doug? HA HA HA)

What happens when we are different in the Christian world?  We loose friends usually because eventually you have nothing to talk about, because if you bring something up, you get pounced on, or someone wants to change you.  I want to see a place for us different people to meet at.  Some place where there is no judgement for who we are.  Sure we can make mistakes and say stupid things and forget our non-judgemental views, but we should be able to say “Sorry” and move on.  I wonder what a place like that will look like?  I haven’t lost hope yet that we will find such a place.  I would like to find a “church” that allows people in, no matter who they are.  A “church” that isn’t intent on changing people, but are just grateful for people.  A place where we can be honest about who we are without judgement.  Where I can say my beliefs and nobody wants to change me.  Sure we all don’t have to believe in the same thing, but we are still loving towards that person.  Isn’t our faith built on LOVE?  For now, I usually don’t tell people what I believe (other than in my blog) because then most people just want to change me.  Why is being unique so lonely?  I think I am more excepted in the secular world than I am in the Christian world…isn’t that sad? 

How do I show people who aren’t Christians about my faith?   I am working through that concept, because ultimately that is our goal isn’t it?   IF talking about my beliefs is hard, I guess I have to figure out how to go about it.  Maybe it is just about encouraging other unique Christians that it is okay to be unique.  Love from God is all we need, and I think that love will guide us to the decisions we have to make.   I am the person I am because God has molded me that way; I want to be who God wants me to be…so I have to have faith that He will guide me properly. 

I am an Unfundamentalist Christian and I am proud, because I do not adhere to any strict policies.  Nothing will separate me from God, and my relationship with God/Jesus is as strong today as it always has been.  Jesus is my best friend and he was the ultimate earth rebel, and I just follow his lead.

"Greatness Of Our God"

Give me eyes to see more of who You are,
May what I behold steal my anxious heart,
Take what I have known and break it all apart
For You, my God, are greater still
And no sky contains,
no doubt restrains all You are,
the greatness of our God
I've spent my life to know that I'm far from close to all You are,
the greatness of our God
Give me grace to see beyond this moment here,
to believe that there is nothing left to fear.
And You were on it, high above it all,
And You, my God, are greater still
And no sky contains,
no doubt restrains all You are,
the greatness of our God
I've spent my life to know that I'm far from close to all You are,
the greatness of our God
To all You are, the greatness of our God
And there is nothing that could ever separate us,
No, there is nothing that could ever separate us from Your love.
No life, no death, of this I am convinced
You, my God, are greater still.
And no words can say, or song convey all You are,
the greatness of our God
I'll spend my life to know
that I'm far from close to all You are,
the greatness of our God

It is a beautiful day out today and I was driving on the hwy with my music just about full blast (thank you Ford for our Shaker 500 in the Mustang) listening to Peter Furler singing “I’m Alive, I’m on Fire” and so on.   I got to thinking a bit about our situation…and what situation you ask?  Well…if you don’t know, you are not on my facebook page LOL.

In the last month we have applied, and been offered a caretaking job in Hope, applied and didn’t get a manager/caretaking job in Comox (we were runner up though), and looked, and promised a cute little cottage outside of Aldergrove.  Everything fell through, some by our own decision and some by other people’s decisions.   Also with all this, dealing with the tenants downstairs who have been driving us bonkers in the last year.  Today, we are staying where we are, Doug has a new job (but not sure if we will take it), and the tenants downstairs are moving.  All in all, it is a good day, today.  It wasn’t a good day last week though, so because of that, we are running away to Mukilteo, Washington for 2 nights and getting a change in scenery…granted not much different as we are only driving 2 hours south LOL. 

So here is my “What if” scenario…we are walking along a path…it’s a normal, not too stressful path and we come to a fork in the road.  One way is the normal, not too stressful path and the other way is a new path.  The new path isn’t really stressful either, but it’s new.  New faces and new scenery.  We stand there at the fork and pray…”God which way should I go”.  We don’t do any thinking ourselves, just wait for God to answer.  We stand there…waiting and waiting…we don’t hear anything.  So there we stand, just waiting for God to answer.  Heaven forbid should we actually make a decision on our own.

So next scenario…there is Adam and Eve standing in the Garden…minding their own business and enjoying life.  Nothing new is going on, but there stands a tree…a tree that God said “don’t eat the fruit”.  Along comes a sneaky little (or big) snake and convinces them to eat the fruit.   In this case, God spoke and said don’t, but they did anyway.  Life changed a lot from that point on, but God helped by sending Jesus later on.  But the point is, God could have not put the tree there, and then we wouldn’t have had the choice, but he did put it there and that means God has given us choices while living on this earth.  If he didn’t want us to choose for ourselves, then why put the tree there in the first place.

So back to the first scenario…there we stand at the path waiting for God to choose for us, because even though God has given us the choice, we want someone else to do the choosing for us because we are too lazy to think for ourselves.   Maybe…if we decide ourselves, along with the help of God, he will make whatever decision we make, work.   Maybe choosing one way or the other doesn’t make much difference to the end outcome because God will walk with us and help us through whatever path we choose.  Maybe, he wants us to think for ourselves just a little and stop using him has a scapegoat for decisions (right or wrong).   Maybe both paths are equally filled with fun and disappointments and he will rejoice and cry with us in  each situation.   

What if…

Sometimes thinking isn’t my strong suit because it gets me in trouble LOL.  We have had an interesting week.  We started out last week with a potential job in Hope, BC and we were fairly excited to take it, but when we finally pinned the owner down to committing to his promises, he went back on them, so we turned the job down.  What we did figure out from it all though, is I think we want to be managers/caretakers of a resort.  We have gone back and forth about it, but the job offer truly confirmed that we really would like to do that.  We will see if that pans out though.  This brings me to my thought…

I have been asking God for an answer…should we be caretakers, or shouldn’t we?  Do we keep trying, or do we stop?  Do we look for other jobs in other towns, or do we just stay here?  All these questions we ask God, and when we don’t hear a strong answer, we wonder where he is.  So here I was driving home from work (with the convertible top down of course) and I thought it again…why aren’t we hearing a clear answer?   I was feeling a little ignored…and then it hit me…let’s take God out of the picture.  Yes, do it…not saying let’s not trust God, but let’s take him out.  I am a regular person, living a regular life with no religion to cloud my judgements…what would we do?  Who would we be whining too then?   Who would we be asking for help from then?  We would have to do things based on our own judgments and experiences.  We wouldn’t have God to fall back on when things don’t work out, or if we don’t hear the answers we were hoping to hear, etc. 

Now let’s put him back into the picture…let’s use God as he was meant to be.  He gave us choices in life.   When Adam and Eve sinned, we were all doomed to fall with that sin and when God sent Jesus, we were saved from that sin, but that is only after this life on earth.  During the life on earth we have to be surrounded by this sin…our choices, other people’s choices and the evil that is the devil.  We ask for guidance, and I think we do get it in some ways, but we do have to walk this road and make our own decisions and not just always take the easy way and fall on God to make all our decisions.   I am not saying we don’t ask for guidance, but I also think we need to make our own choices too.  We do what we think is best (in God’s eyes), but when it doesn’t work out, then we blame God.  This way we can only blame ourselves LOL. 

This thinking has made me feel a little better actually.  It means I need to think about what I want, what God might want for me, and what our future might hold for us.  It is all part of the big picture.   I know God will be there no matter what, even if we make a bad choice because that is part of my faith.  I think the main thing that God wants us to know, and why we were created, is for love.  Not for having a scapegoat for when things go wrong, or when we can’t make up our own mind.  God created us to commune with him…so let’s commune…and stop asking him so many questions…I don’t want a one way friendship with God/Jesus where all I ever do is ask for help and always want something from him…I want a two way friendship where we talk about stuff together, figure things out together and just love each other no matter what.   Let’s take life out of the equation now and have it just be me and God sitting quietly (or with lots of loud music) talking about stuff.  Nothing heavy, just stuff and enjoying each other’s company.  Maybe that is what it is all about!  I think it is best done on a sunny day, with the convertible top down and some great worship music playing.  That is how God and me commune together.  I will focus on that, and not all the stuff I want God to do for me.

I love the city life…or at least living close to the city.  We live in the suburbs and that is fun too because the big city is nearby.  I have LOVED living in Surrey/White Rock for the last 15 years.  The ocean is in my blood and we have lived our dream for a few years while living at the beach.  Sometimes those dreams come crashing down though and we have to adjust…first it was our dream of moving to Mexico and being sent home (still hurts even today) and then Doug loosing his job and being unemployed and then only getting a min. wage job, which made it that we had to move from our beach front home.  That is life though and we will treasure our beach life even if it was only for a few years. 

What does our future hold though?  Living here will only get more and more expensive and when we retire, there is no way we will be able to afford to live here on our government pensions…so do we plan a little already?  On one hand i would just like to ignore the future and just go on as we have been going.  I have a few good clients and Doug will eventually get a better job and his current job isn’t awful.  But on the other hand do we look at opportunities and see if they will work within our dreams?   Our dream is to live in someplace exotic and run a boutique hotel…but is that unrealistic?  No idea, but does it hurt to try?  Actually the answer to that question is YES…we have been deeply hurt by trying, but do we try again?

Our realistic dream is for Doug to get a decent job in the Training and Development field, but that could also include running a boutique hotel as you need to train people and know how to teach people to learn skills.   So what are our goals?  Pay the bills, enjoy life and go on vacations…not really high expectations if you ask me.   So why this blog?  We are looking at running a hotel in Hope, BC.  A little dinky town that is fairly depressed and the job would be 24/7, but the people who are running it now liked the job and figure it would be a good job to get into the area we are looking at.  Does it allow us to build a base to our dream?  Can we do this job for a few years?  It would pay the bills, still allow us to go on vacations and I think we could have fun doing it.   Can a little town like Hope satisfy my city needs?  Not likely, but thankfully the city is only an hour and half away, unless you consider Chilliwack a city, and then that is only half an hour away.  We don’t have the job yet and we are still praying about it, but what if it does become ours?  Do we say YES or do we live our quiet, mundane life here in Ocean Park?  Nothing against mundane because that means nothing tragic is going on. 

The city life is in my blood along with the ocean, but just because something is in your blood, doesn’t mean you can’t try different things and go out on adventures.  We have no kids and we can just uproot if we want to.   We are trying to hear God’s voice in this…granted we know that God encouraged us to go to Mexico and we all know how that turned out…but at least we know that we will go outside of our box and take a chance.   I know Mexico wasn’t how God wanted that to end, so we need to keep having faith that his voice is true and even if things go to the crapper, we know we followed his voice no matter the risk. 

Maybe this job will allow us to move to California someday?  Not likely but heck, why not dream.  Maybe someone will want an experienced couple to take over their ranch and run a bed and breakfast or something like that…ok, I am getting off point…not surprising since I tend to wander in the head a little LOL.  Life is a great adventure if we choose to look at the positive in it and not the negative.  God never promised us that this life will be perfect and smelling like a rose garden…but he promised us peace, protection and LOVE…so maybe this will be an adventure…or maybe this is just a kick in the butt that says “not this time”, but you are ready to get out there and see what adventure is waiting for you.  So here is to praying that God will have his hand in our lives no matter what happens…if it’s staying here in Ocean Park, or moving to some little hick town surrounded by mountains instead of an ocean…we are game for whatever because we are loved by God

As Steven Curtis Chapman says so nicely in his song…

 

Started out this morning
In the usual way
Chasing thoughts inside my head
Of all I had to do today
Another time around the circle
Try to make it better than the last

I opened up the Bible
And I read about me
Said, I'd been a prisoner
And God's grace had set me free

And somewhere between the pages
It hit me like a lightning bolt
I saw a big frontier in front of me
And I heard somebody say, "Let's go"

Saddle up your horses
We've got a trail to blaze
Through the wild blue yonder
Of God's amazing grace

Let's follow our Leader
Into the glorious unknown
This is a life like no other
This is the great adventure, yeah

Come on get ready
For the ride of your life
Gonna leave long faced religion
In a cloud of dust behind
And discover all the new horizons
Just waiting to be explored
This is what we were created for, yeah

Saddle up your horses
We've got a trail to blaze
Through the wild blue yonder
Of God's amazing grace

Let's follow our Leader
Into the glorious unknown
This is a life like no other
This is the great adventure

We'll travel over, over mountains so high
We'll go through valleys below
Still through it all, we'll find that
This is the greatest journey
That the human heart will ever see

The love of God will take us far
Beyond my wildest dreams, yeah
Oh, saddle up your horses
Come on, get ready to ride

So, when I was a teenager I always told myself that when I get older, I will understand death a little better…I am older now…it doesn’t seem any clearer today than it did then.  How does one feel as you slip away?  Do you feel scared?  Will you see God?  Will you have peace?  I would think it will all be ok, but sometimes I panic and think too hard about these silly things.  What will it feel like to be in heaven?  I can only comprehend what my human mind can think, so I guess it makes sense that it really doesn’t make a lot of sense.  We just have to have faith that it will all be ok and that God will take care of us.  If I think of heaven in a more human way…I can’t wait to sit with Jesus up there.   Death is scary for us humans though…the thought of loosing someone just makes my heart a little sad.  I sure hope Heaven is all that I think it will be (plus more).  I guess when I get to heaven, my apprehensions will be gone.  I bring this up because I heard this great song on the tv today.  Yes, “the Light” on Galaxie is a little mamsy pamsy (as Doug puts it), but I like it…most of the time.

Heaven Waits For Me – Jenny Simmons

My feet are deep down in the sand
The waves are pouring life into my soul

It's clear to me from where I stand
There's nothing else I want in this old world

I'm not afraid of letting go
If today's my last day, you should know
That I've loved so many people
And I've traveled this great world
Yeah I've spent time with Jesus
And I've held my little girl
I'm not holding back for next year
I'm living for today
When I take my final breath
I know I'm ready
Heaven waits for me

My husband is the strongest man
All our family and our friends make me smile
Yeah I've had my share of broken dreams
Sleepless nights and suffering
But all the while
That don't matter in the end
Maybe I'll go quietly
In my sleep with you next to me
Maybe it's a slow goodbye
Or I'm out of here in the blink of an eye
No matter how I leave this place
I know I'll see my Savior's face
With the ones I love right next to me
It's a beautiful thing,
Oh, life's a beautiful thing

Cause I've loved so many people
And I've traveled this great world
I've spent some time with Jesus
And I've held my little girl
I'm not holding back for next year
I'm living for today
When I take my final breath
I'm not leaving with regrets
I know I'm ready
Heaven waits for me
Oh yeah, Heaven waits for me

It has been an interesting few months.  We enjoyed a wonderful holiday with my parents to Florida.  I think I have them converted to the Animal Kingdom Resort…it is a beautiful resort and has great amenities for just relaxing and enjoying life.  We really enjoyed our 3 days cruise and even though it was so short, it was still worth it.  We have no other plans yet for this year, but hoping we can book into our Disney timeshare for December 3rd at the Grand Californian in Disneyland.  I understand it is slim to none, but we will try anyway.  If not then we will save up our points and do a big trip to Florida again in 2015.  Our timeshare points go way further at the Animal Kingdom Resort.

Our finances are slowly getting better, but that is because of what I had to do in January.  At least I don’t get phone calls anymore.  I am hoping to get a few more clients though so that we can actually make more money than just making ends meet.  Doug is enjoying his job, and is hoping to have his degree done this year so that he can actually get a good paying job by the end of the year. 

We are celebrating our 25th anniversary this summer so I am busy making party gifts, going through pictures and figuring out the guest list.  We will have a big party at my parents for friends and family (mostly friends from the past) and will have a small party at our place for some of our current friends who wouldn’t want to drive ALL THE WAY into Chilliwack.  It is interesting going through the old pictures and seeing how things have changed, both physically and even our inner self.  It is nice to grow up and learn things and change ones point of view if they need to be changed.  I don’t believe we should stay stuck in our ways if we notice that we might have been wrong.  I think people need to be more open to change.  We base our opinions on our life experience and as we get older, our life has been longer and we have had more experiences…so why wouldn’t they change? 

We have a friend (from an old church we used to go to), that came out awhile ago.  We weren’t surprised, but apparently others where.  Now he doesn’t go to that church anymore and he is in the wind when it comes to church (granted we are in the same boat).  Why does a person’s lifestyle make it so hard for people to except each other?  Especially Christians…don’t we have a higher standard to live by?  Me thinks Jesus would have been a little more loving to everyone and their lifestyles.  Doug and I don’t think normally when it comes to our Christian walk and we find it hard to fit into a church because of that.  I am guessing if Jesus was part of the church, we wouldn’t have any problems.  He was a rebel just like us…maybe he was taking cues from my future self?  HA HA HA…just kidding…remember God gave us with a sense of humour.  My views have changed on lifestyles…granted I never judged people before anyway, but now I realize what I thought was a no no before, I don’t think that anymore.  I think Jesus loves us all no matter what and who we choose as a soul mate is irrelevant.  I think it is our heart that he cares more about.  Are we living for Christ?  Are we going through life as if Jesus was right beside us (oh ya, he is) watching what we do?  Are we trusting him with everything we have and everything we are?  I think those are the things he really cares about.  Do people look at us and say “there is something different about them”?  I sure hope so because that is what I strive for.

So…what is with the title of my blog?  Well…let me tell you…

We went to a launch party…and if you aren’t a musician, you might not know what that is, but a launch party is what someone will do to “launch” their new endeavour, and in this case it was for a website that is for independent music artists.  Physically I fit right in…I dress uniquely and my hair…well it is unique even compared to a lot of the people who where there.  But emotionally, I did not fit in at all…I find musicians a little snobby…not because they are, but because they are just in their own world and tend to not wander outside their box in that way.  I am not into mingling much, so that part was hard for me too.  I wanted to fit in, but I just couldn’t…nobody seemed to like Disney…what is with that.  Then there is the place that I fit in the best…anything Disney.  Go to Disneyland/DisneyWorld/Disney Cruise and you are surrounded by fans, young and old.  Everyone loves Disney and everyone is just about as equally nuts about it as me.  That is where I fit in.  Granted my outer self (with the bright red hair) is more unique in that situation, but I can get away with wearing all things Disney and nobody does a second look.  There is a peace in my heart when I am surrounded by people who love what I love and don’t care about the uniqueness of who I am.  All they care about is that I love Disney as much as they do.  It is like we live in two worlds…one foot is in the musicians world (yes Doug is a musician) and one that is in Disney World…I prefer my foot in the Disney area.  So maybe it is time to start a Disney themed church.  You can only come if you love Disney, have a lifestyle you are proud of, and want to learn about Jesus and how loving he is, how wonderful he care for his kids and how much at peace you can be with him watching us.  Wonder if we would get sued by Disney LOL

If You washed away my vanity
If You took away my words
If all my world was swept away
Would You be enough for me?
Would my beating heart still sing?
If I lost it all
Would my hands stay lifted
To the God who gives and takes away
If You take it all
This life You've given
Still my heart will sing to You
When my life is not what I expected
The plans I made have failed
When there's nothing left to steal me away
Will You be enough for me?
Will my broken heart still sing?
If I lost it all
Would my hands stay lifted
To the God who gives
And takes away
If You take it all
This life You've given
Still my heart
Will sing to You
Even if You take it all away
You’ll never let me go
Take it all away
But I still know
That I'm Yours
I'm still Yours

 

The above song is by Kutless from their worship album.  I love their music and we even got to see them live last summer at Creationfest.   Some parts of the song I don’t really agree with, but the concept is what I want to talk about.

If we lost it all, would we still worship God?  I don’t believe it is God that takes it away from us, as living on this earth means sadness and heartache, but I believe that when it is taken away, we can still look to God for support.  Part of our faith is believing in a higher power and that comfort will come from God/Jesus.  We were never promised a better life on this earth, but we were promised comfort and love.  This earth is filled with sin, and there is no way around it.  Even if you move into the woods where you have no people (and no flush toilets), I am sure the sin of this earth will still show up.   It will always be around and until we die and go be with God/Jesus in Heaven, we have to figure out ways to manage.

So, would we still worship God/Jesus?  I sure hope so.  I know we haven’t lost it all (in 2012), but it honestly felt like we lost most of it.  But we still looked to God for comfort.  I have made sure to play my worship music a lot more because it is what helps me survive.  We aren’t the only ones that have gone through struggles, that much I am sure of.  But knowing that and living it,  that is a little different.  Sometimes it feels like we are the only ones and so one curls up into a ball and stays in the cave which we call home.  We are slowly crawling out of that cave though and things are starting to look up.   God did not make this happen to us, as he loves us very much and wants us to be joyful.  But God did take care of us and bring us peace. 

I know that God/Jesus will never let us go, and there is great comfort in that.   The sin of this world will surround us, but we have forgiveness and love from God/Jesus and that protects us from the despair and the sadness.  Sure we have our moments, but that is our weakness in not having faith.  I will be the first to admit that, but we are working through that.  We aren’t perfect and that is ok.  God loves us anyway (phew). 

Yes, my broken heart will sing…it will sing for God/Jesus and all that he has done for us.  He comforts us, he brings us peace and he loves us unconditionally.  What more do we need in this life?  Personally a home in Southern California would be nice, but that might be asking for too much…but heck…why not dream big LOL

So here is to 2013 and the new start it is bringing us.  It will bring us great joy and happiness.  We are going to be celebrating our 25th anniversary, so that has to be good luck.  So many people lost bets on us making it this far, and those people will not be invited to our party. 

God is great, my hands are lifted…