California for Stefani

If You washed away my vanity
If You took away my words
If all my world was swept away
Would You be enough for me?
Would my beating heart still sing?
If I lost it all
Would my hands stay lifted
To the God who gives and takes away
If You take it all
This life You've given
Still my heart will sing to You
When my life is not what I expected
The plans I made have failed
When there's nothing left to steal me away
Will You be enough for me?
Will my broken heart still sing?
If I lost it all
Would my hands stay lifted
To the God who gives
And takes away
If You take it all
This life You've given
Still my heart
Will sing to You
Even if You take it all away
You’ll never let me go
Take it all away
But I still know
That I'm Yours
I'm still Yours

 

The above song is by Kutless from their worship album.  I love their music and we even got to see them live last summer at Creationfest.   Some parts of the song I don’t really agree with, but the concept is what I want to talk about.

If we lost it all, would we still worship God?  I don’t believe it is God that takes it away from us, as living on this earth means sadness and heartache, but I believe that when it is taken away, we can still look to God for support.  Part of our faith is believing in a higher power and that comfort will come from God/Jesus.  We were never promised a better life on this earth, but we were promised comfort and love.  This earth is filled with sin, and there is no way around it.  Even if you move into the woods where you have no people (and no flush toilets), I am sure the sin of this earth will still show up.   It will always be around and until we die and go be with God/Jesus in Heaven, we have to figure out ways to manage.

So, would we still worship God/Jesus?  I sure hope so.  I know we haven’t lost it all (in 2012), but it honestly felt like we lost most of it.  But we still looked to God for comfort.  I have made sure to play my worship music a lot more because it is what helps me survive.  We aren’t the only ones that have gone through struggles, that much I am sure of.  But knowing that and living it,  that is a little different.  Sometimes it feels like we are the only ones and so one curls up into a ball and stays in the cave which we call home.  We are slowly crawling out of that cave though and things are starting to look up.   God did not make this happen to us, as he loves us very much and wants us to be joyful.  But God did take care of us and bring us peace. 

I know that God/Jesus will never let us go, and there is great comfort in that.   The sin of this world will surround us, but we have forgiveness and love from God/Jesus and that protects us from the despair and the sadness.  Sure we have our moments, but that is our weakness in not having faith.  I will be the first to admit that, but we are working through that.  We aren’t perfect and that is ok.  God loves us anyway (phew). 

Yes, my broken heart will sing…it will sing for God/Jesus and all that he has done for us.  He comforts us, he brings us peace and he loves us unconditionally.  What more do we need in this life?  Personally a home in Southern California would be nice, but that might be asking for too much…but heck…why not dream big LOL

So here is to 2013 and the new start it is bringing us.  It will bring us great joy and happiness.  We are going to be celebrating our 25th anniversary, so that has to be good luck.  So many people lost bets on us making it this far, and those people will not be invited to our party. 

God is great, my hands are lifted… 

Another Christmas has come and gone.   I had mixed feelings about it this year.  What I wanted to give to people we couldn’t afford, but I think we managed pretty good considering.  The calendar that I got my parents didn’t turn out as well as I had wanted, so hopefully next year we can afford to use Shutterfly again because their product is so much better than Costco’s or Staples.   My family loves the presents and my parents go a little overboard (not complaining).  We don’t make a big deal about the birth of Christ on Christmas because we celebrate Jesus all year round.  I am not sure if Jesus/God cares too much if we make a big deal of it anyway especially if we “celebrate” him all year round.  From what I gather, it isn’t his actual birthday anyway, so let’s call it Christmas and celebrate Santa Claus LOL.  Maybe we should pull out the story of Mary and Joseph sometime during the year and just appreciate the sacrifice that God did by sending his son.  Let’s put the story in perspective…

Jesus is sitting in Heaven, minding everyone’s business…sitting nicely at the right hand of God.  He is organizing the choir, finding a place for Elton John to someday be the pianist (I can hope can’t I?), and just chatting with everyone around him…then God (his daddy) says to his son…”son, I have a job for you”…never words you want to hear from a father no matter if you are a spiritual being or human form.  Let’s assume he agrees (and isn’t told he has to do it)…and suddenly…poof…his spiritual being self get’s plopped into baby form and is stuck in a uterus for 9ish months and then has to start his human form life from a tiny screaming baby, through childhood, teenage hood and then an adult.  Can you imagine?!?!  Having the perfect life in Heaven and then having to join us here on earth in this very warped place?  What a shock and probably a bit of an adjustment.   It is because of that transition though that we know he understands what we are going through.  All the heartache, tears, disappointments and sorrows…he knows it all.  It is what I cling to in these dark hours.  It isn’t just me who goes through all this crap…even Jesus went through it all, and he had a pretty good life before he had to go through it all. 

We celebrate the birth of Christ on Christmas, but really, we celebrate that it was the start of him truly understanding what we go through living on this earth.   So we don’t need to just take one day a year to celebrate his birth, we can take any day of the year and celebrate the fact that Jesus knows how we feel.  He made the ultimate sacrifice for us and it started out as a promise in the Old Testament and finally was a reality when he was conceived. 

So on that note, I will tell you how our Christmas goes because we love to celebrate the spirit of giving (and receiving) of presents, the company of family and the joy of eating.  Our day started on Christmas eve…after Doug’s work, we headed to my parents place.  Once we got there we settled into our bedroom and made some Kona coffee and got ready to visit.  For dinner we had stir fry (very traditional you know).  Then we got to open up our stockings.  My parents love to stuff them full and we had lots of fun seeing what kind of neat little things we got.  I got gum, lip chap, batteries, lamp, stuffy toy, Purdy’s peanut butter bar (sugar free) and a few other little things.  We finally went to bed around 10ish because having a 2 and a 4 year old in the house makes everyone very tired.  They tend to get up early in the morning.  We made plans with Jos, Andrea and Owen for them to get there at 8:30am the next morning.

Christmas morning…we got up around 7:30 and started the coffee, the fire place, etc.  By 8:30 the VanSantens had arrived with the traditional (sort of) dutch breakfast fixings.  They got it all ready and I think by around 9:30am, we were getting ready to open presents.  A few people will get up and hand out all the presents.  When all the presents have been handed out, then we all get to open them.  You land up not being able to see the floor because of all the wrapping paper and stuff.  Those are the days I miss Louie…he loved to tear up balls of wrapping paper.  After everything is opened, we go and have breaky.  It is always tasty…gouda cheese, ham, buns, almond cookies, stolen, crunchy biscuits that you put chocolate sprinkles on, and if you can find it, raisin bread.  Once breakfast is done, then some of us go back to our presents and play with them.  There was a lot of lego this year as presents, so it came out fairly quickly and got built.   I was able to scrapbook some pages (including the Christmas pics) and managed to get about 8 pages done.  My sister brought her laptop along and did some scrapbooking too.  For dinner we had ham, mashed pototes, vegies, apple sauce, pickles and gravy.  For dessert it was 4% cottage cheese (the best in the world) and fruit.  All in all, it was a very nice cozy Christmas Day with family.  I stayed in my pj’s all day which is always fun.

So as you can see, we enjoyed our Christmas.  We still have my mom’s side of the family Christmas party to go to on Friday and then it will be 2013 next week.  I am so happy that 2012 is over and I am really hoping that 2013 will be so much better.  We celebrate 25 years of marriage next  year, so we hope to have a little gathering to celebrate that. 

Merry Christmas everyone and have a Happy New Year

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life

I woke up in the middle of the night last night and had troubles falling back to sleep.  It was probably the coffee I had in the evening, which is the risk I take when I drink caffeine.   I had a conversation earlier in the day with my Jewish friend about the Old Testament (Torah to them).  I try not to push my “Christian” faith with her and try not to bring Jesus up, but it got me thinking…can a Jew be a Christian?  We also discussed how I had been taught as a child that the Mormon’s where a cult and not a Christian either…I have since learned otherwise of course.  These thoughts brought me to the above verse early this morning…the simplicity of our Christian faith.

When you read the verse, what do you think?  Is it not really a simple statement?  If you believe that God sent is son Jesus to earth, you will have eternal life.   It means EVERYONE who believes in Jesus will go to Heaven…sure you can read more into it, but why?  Can we not keep it a simple statement?  This means every religious background that believes in Jesus as the son of God (not some prophet), will have eternal life.  Does that go for Jews, Mormons, Gay’s, etc too?  For sure it does…it goes for everyone!  The rest of our walk with Jesus is up to the individual person.  My core belief is the same as every Christian…Jesus is the son of God and he died for us on the cross, and I will have eternal life for that.  The rest of the rules and regulations are up for interpretation.  I am not totally sold on the whole concept of the Trinity (turns out that is an issue with the Mormons too…maybe I am more Mormon LOL), but does that make me less of a Christian?  Are there certain levels of Christianity (i sure hope not). 

My walk with Jesus keeps changing…the beliefs I agree up in church with have changed.   I think it is because I am growing up and learning to question what I have been told and focus on my walk with Jesus and let him show me what my beliefs are.   What I may believe as a “Christian” way may not be what others think either.  I am ok with that because we all have to do the walk with Jesus in our own way.  I have friends (Christians) who love Zombies…that is just a concept I don’t understand because to me they are evil, but to them they are fun…so what right do I have to tell them they are walking in evil?  If I think they are evil, then I will stay away from it, and pray for my friends that if there is any evil to Zombies, that God keeps it away from them.  Even the Goth thing and Christianity…I don’t totally understand…Jesus is the light yet Christian Goth’s seem to walk in the dark…but again, where am I to judge someone.  I love the Goth clothing and I know I can’t be Goth because I am too bright and smiley for it LOL.   I tend to not make a big deal of my beliefs about such things because it is between me and Jesus.  Now, if someone asks for my opinion, I might be pushed to say it…for example, a friend asked for opinions about telling her kid that Santa is real.  I have issues with lying to kids about stuff like that, so I said that.  Granted I was the minority in that thinking (figures), but nobody criticized me for it because she asked for opinions, and I gave it.  I never said that my way was right though, because all it is, is my opinion.  Why would my opinion be the right one?  Why is someone’s else’s opinion the right one?

I will cling to my core belief and the rest of my walk with Jesus is between me and him.   If someone has issues with that, keep it to yourself and just pray for me instead LOL.  What I don’t understand is why church’s have such issues with being an individual.   I don’t force my ways on others.  But I guess the reason there are so many denominations is because there are different ways to belief and you need to start a new church for each belief LOL.  I am hoping there is a place for us in this world, but if there isn’t, I guess I know there is one in Heaven for us where our beliefs aren’t an issue any more. 

Being a Christian is very simple…and I just don’t know why everyone makes it so complicated.   Now granted some people like words and digging deep into the Word of God and the history of it all.  I am not saying they are making Christianity more complicated, they just love the deeper aspects of the words, where I like the simplicity of the words.   We all have our strengths and God creates us to be unique and different peoples of God.  My facebook friends Mo & Bill are pastor like people and they love the pickier aspects of God…but they don’t look down on my on my simple Christian ways.  I don’t think they are any more Christian than I am, they just love “theology” more than I do.  There is nothing wrong with that until it becomes a judgemental thing and fingers get pointed about who is a better Christian than someone else.   Does that make sense?  Probably not because I tend to babble LOL.

My point of this is that we all can have eternal life with God, Jesus & the Holy Spirit (as a separate being or a Trinity).  It doesn’t matter where you come from, who you are, where your religious faith stems from, etc…it is just a matter of believing and the rest will come as you walk the amazing walk that is with Jesus Christ. 

Doug posted a “note” on facebook a few days ago, and this is my view of his note…

I will follow my hubbies dreams where ever it leads.  I know he would do the same for me if I had such grand dreams.  I want him to be happy (and joyful) and if moving to some crazy fishing village is what brings him joy, I will go along.  Actually the sound of it was kind of intriguing, so I am always game to try something new these days…but I have to say I was surprised at the feelings it brought up when we realized we might actually have a chance at this job.

As most of you know, a few years ago we had the opportunity to move to Mexico for our dream job.  We applied for the job, went to two interviews and then found out we got the job, and so the new employers paid for our trip (around $1000) to Mexico to bring some of our stuff over already and just check out the place.  The first couple day’s there, we were told some of the duties of our job will be, etc.  Then on the third day we noticed a change in attitude and we were summoned to the table and where told that we weren’t going to be staying and that they really hadn’t said we got the job.  I informed them that I have the emails that says otherwise.  Our hearts fell apart for just a moment.  That feeling will never leave me…I try to push it away, but it all came up again this week.   How does one explain that feeling?  I will try… just imagine you walking along and suddenly a hole appears and you just fall…you feel like the world just fell right apart with no notice.  So when we found out about this new job, all those fears came right back as if it just happened yesterday.  We landed up not getting the job and it was nothing like Mexico because it would have been here in BC and it was a legal job, but still, those feelings came back.   Doug and I try not to talk about our Mexico fiasco much to anyone anymore because who wants to hear our woe’s, but occasionally we bring it up between the two of us.   It is always just in the back of our minds I guess.  I do look forward to the day when we can forget about it completely…wonder if that will ever happen.

I am ok with the “no” as it means I get to live close to my parents for awhile yet.  Who knows what our future holds though because I don’t see us living in the Fraser Valley forever.  I do hope our job situation does get better soon and then maybe we won’t be always looking to move somewhere brighter and better.

Work is going ok, but I could use more clients.  The client that I had that was going to be a bunch of hours didn’t pan out well.  She want back on her word and didn’t give me as many hours as she said she would.  I landed up quitting with her because she just wasn’t trust worthy and I need to trust my clients.  Doug is still looking for work as his job at London Drugs isn’t treating him so well.  Can’t believe what people expect out of their employees for minimum wage.

It is just about Halloween and our house is decorated and soon those decorations will come down and then the Christmas decorations will come up…my fav time of year… I love Christmas and no matter how crummy our life is, I will enjoy all the lights and decorations that is Christmas.  In a few weeks we head to Tofino with the family…yup my favourite place in the world…a 4 hour drive to sit by the ocean and do nothing…hmmmm…can’t I do that home?  HA HA HA.  It is a family thing and we go because the family likes it and thankfully there is wifi there so I can still be in touch with the real world.  Also I can do scrapbooking on my computer so if nothing else, I can scrapbook by the ocean (can’t I do that here too? LOL).   Then in January we are going to Disneyworld and a Disney cruise…sure hope we have some money by then otherwise we are dumpster diving at a Disney resort AGAIN!!!.

I am trying to make this blog a little lighter since my last few were very heavy.  Our feelings haven’t changed much, but so far we haven’t wrapped ourselves around a tree and we are alive and kicking.  We went for a drive in our car today with the top down…we just needed to drive around in our car that brings us so much joy.   The car likes it that it is so loved LOL.  

So looking on the bright side…we are alive (is that a good thing?), we have a convertible Mustang that loves us, we have a crazy cat that brings us hours of enjoyment, we live close to the ocean, we have vacations planned (yes I am calling Tofino a vacation LOL), and Christmas is coming up soon and so I can decorate our house like it was a big present LOL.  We can only look on the bright side because we have Jesus in our lives…what an awesome friend we have in Jesus.

Today I had a very angry episode.  I got an amazing gift from one of my clients (Blackberry Playbook) and it wouldn’t work properly and so I actually considered throwing it out the window because I was so angry with it.  Thankfully I know how to think forward and know that this too shall pass.  It did pass…i tossed it into the trunk and left it alone for now.   I personally don’t think it likes me because now I am trying to make it work with my computer and it isn’t working either…it was a gift, so I have to keep it, but honestly, I think I would return it if it was something I had bought myself.  No electronics is this amount of trouble.  I know Doug would make me keep it though and try to make it work, so I guess once he gets home, he can work on the little beast.  Ultimately it isn’t the playbook that is the problem, it is the fact that something so insignificant has made me so angry.  It is how I feel right now…plain old angry. 

We are having a rough go of it…we have made a pact that if one of us wants to take our life, we have to discuss it with the other and make sure we do it together LOL.  Yup, these are thoughts in our head right now…why is it worth living?  If life is going to be this hard, is there purpose?  So this is what brings on this blog post today…

As a a believer in Christ, we have hope.  We know that in the end, we will be in heaven, but why not go there now?  Why go through all this crap in life when our end purpose is heaven?  Honestly, no idea, other than we are promised that we will be taken care of.   It is hard to look at the future when our present is clouding everything.  So the purpose of this blog is to look at the future and all that it could hold…

1.  Vacations, vacations, vacations…there is no Disneyworld/Disneyland in heaven, so I have to explore every inch of it here on earth

2.  My Mustang is not in heaven, and it would miss us, so we need to stay here for awhile and enjoy all it has to offer to us

3.  Family time…we love spending time with my parents, and I am fairly certain they would miss us, so we will stick around for a little longer

4.  California…we could miss out on the opportunity of moving there when Canada finally acquires it in the negotiations, which I am told are going on as we speak (yes I am the president of these negotiations LOL)

5.  ???

I have posted below a song that we hold onto right now…granted any worship songs are much needed right now as I really don’t think we could make it without them.  I play them very loudly in the car while crying.  Faith is what helps us through this.  It is our faith in Jesus that he will be right beside us through it all, holding our hands.  He is my best friend, and best friends don’t leave us right?  Jesus died for us…he gave up his life so that we can live on this earth with a clean slate, so I guess I can muster all my strength and survive this because even all this is nothing compared to what he had to endure.   Jesus just isn’t some story…he was real, there were people who actually got to touch him, so with that knowledge, I will keep looking to him for peace.   If he can manage here, so can I because he is standing beside me crying right along with me.  Thank you Jesus for that!!

So on that note, here is the song by Kutless called “What Faith Can Do” … I am also holding out for that miracle because right now we both hate Doug’s job.  They haven’t been treating him very well and considering all he makes is minimum wage, it just seem worth it.  So I am calling out to God for that Miracle for Doug’s job…I want to “see a miracle just happen”.  If we call out on it, hopefully it will come true.

“What Faith Can Do”

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes
And make a new beginning

Anyone can feel the ache
You think it's more than you can take
But you're stronger
Stronger than you know

Don't you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do

It doesn't matter what you've heard
Impossible is not a word
It's just a reason
For someone not to try

Everybody's scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It'll be alright

Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do

It is friday…most people are finished their work week, but I still have the weekend to go.  My last day at the retail job is on Saturday and on Sunday I will be doing a few hours of bookkeeping while Doug is at work.  I do get to visit with my good friend Pam first though, which will be nice.  We are going to have a relaxing evening today (friday) though.  Doug is cooking me dinner as he was off all day, and then we will watch the new show Elementary and then it will be time to go in the hot tub.  I need a soak in some hot water.

I posted the following partial blog in 2006 about what is a friend to me (my old Louiesowner blog)

1. They listen without judgement
2. They understand and respect my boundaries
3. They don't blow a gasket when they find out I am ******** (I deleted this for now so not to upset anyone)
4. They comfort us when we are sad.
5. They would drop anything if we needed them to be there for us
6. They are willing to try to understand some of our quirky beliefs
7. They agree to disagree if needed.

 

I still stand by these things.  I think these are the main things that are important to me when finding friends.  I am not fond of confrontation so I don’t usually bring stuff up and if it is a touchy subject with a friend, we don’t even get near it.  Why cause disagreements when you don’t need to.  One thing I would add to this is I think friends (local ones) need to actually spend quality time with each other.  Not just “church” time, but one on one time.  How does one grow close with each other if you never just relax and enjoy each other’s company and bring those walls down?   I have said this before and I will say it again…”church” is not the place to grow close, it is a place to worship God/Jesus and to meet with other fellow believers.

For the first 20ish years of our marriage, Doug and I would go out of our way to spend time with people, have dinner parties and just invite ourselves over to people’s places, but after so many years of doing that and people not reciprocating that same attitude, we kinda have given up. Just like a marriage that is broken, you can’t have one person in a relationship when the other isn’t into it.   Why should we be the ones that always do the inviting…it makes it seem like we are the only ones thinking about that kind of stuff.  So after awhile a person just gives up.  As I write this, it suddenly makes me understand more clearly why we want to move away from it all here… we want a new slate and this is one of the reasons.  We want to start over with friends.  I think we want to try again because obviously we have failed (for the most part) here.   I want friends that think of us and think to email (phone is so yesterday) or text us to come over, or go out for coffee.   Is that so much to ask?  Really, is it so much to ask that someone thinks of us?  Oh sure, I am sure people will say “but we are praying for you”… which comes to a pet peeve of mine…

…Prayer (again I think I have posted about this before).  I believe it works and I believe it is a way (one of many) to communicate with God/Jesus.  But I don’t believe it should be a way to wash our hands of the responsibility of friends to physically support each other.   I am not saying we have to do everything that we prayer for, for example, we pray for a friend to get a job, but we don’t offer them a job, that isn’t possible usually.  I think we do have to stand with our friends if they are down.  If someone is down, what do they need?  Usually some company, someone to just laugh with, or maybe play a video game with.  Not complicated things, but basic things.  Yes prayer works too, but we need to follow up that prayer with action.

Our bible study is going to do a thing on prayer…sigh…yes, let’s study how to pray, when to pray, why to pray, bla bla bla bla.  Is prayer that complicated?  I never knew it was that complicated… I thought it was fairly easy… talk to God/Jesus about our problems, bring up our friends in prayer to him, etc.  Then get up off your knees and knock on your friends door and ask if they need anything?  Does that seem complicated?  Nope, not to me, but apparently we have to “study” it.   Sigh… have I mentioned I am not a “church” person??  LOL.  Now for those people who need to learn more about it, I think that is just fine.   We all love to learn about different things and maybe some people need to learn more about how prayer works, but I just don’t get it.  I won’t judge others on why they want to learn what they want to learn, but is it ok if I think it just makes it all too complicated?  I am more than happy to live in my little simple world where me and God chat about things and when I think someone needs prayer, I just say it.  

I would like to hear God a little better though, so I will keep focusing on what I should be listening too and hopefully things will become clearer.  I will pray for that and for those of you out there that believe in prayer, feel free to pray for me, because again, I do believe in prayer, I just believe it comes hand in hand with action.

Let me quote a portion of a song and then I will go on with this post.

“Now I lie awake at night, trying not to think, these are the hardest times I've seen I'm still holding on I know you never said it would be easy all thick and no thin, but the man who waits is the man who wins, holding on, oh yeah, I'm holding on.”

This is what happens to me (and Doug) just about every night.  It didn’t happen while we were on vacation which was nice, but the second that we are home, it happens again.  We wake up in a panic…who is going to want money the next day, how will we pay the bills, etc. 

I woke up this morning again and made sure I properly woke up so I didn’t keep the thoughts going and then thought about things a bit and realized one of the things we are feeling right now is “forgotten”.  Obviously God has not forgotten us, but it really feels like it sometimes.  Our brain knows that God is there for us through it all and carries us when we can’t go on anymore, but sometimes our heart just gives up with thinking with the brain and says “it is broken”.  It is just how I felt and I figured I would put it down on “paper” before going to work today.  I am grateful for the new job and that I am working 3 days at a few different jobs this week.  But it is so hard.  Everyday the phone rings over and over again from people wanting money.  Fair enough, we owe the money, but it is just a reminder of how hard things are. 

I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel, but sometimes it is just so hard to see.  I know that we are protected by God and that he gives us peace to manage through this.  I know all these things and I believe in all these things and I have faith that these things will pass, but in a moment every so often, I just feel forgotten.  That moment will pass and I will keep praying that we will be ok.  We are not forgotten…we are protected and LOVED!

Right now I would say this is the worst I have felt in all our married life.   I know this is not what God wants and things will turn around.  This world is what brings this crap and we have to manage through it because that is the curse of living in this world.  I am looking for those small miracles though (a big one would be nice too).  Well, one small miracle is the job that I have right now, so I better get dressed and get there so I can get paid.