Let me quote a portion of a song and then I will go on with this post.
“Now I lie awake at night, trying not to think, these are the hardest times I've seen I'm still holding on I know you never said it would be easy all thick and no thin, but the man who waits is the man who wins, holding on, oh yeah, I'm holding on.”
This is what happens to me (and Doug) just about every night. It didn’t happen while we were on vacation which was nice, but the second that we are home, it happens again. We wake up in a panic…who is going to want money the next day, how will we pay the bills, etc.
I woke up this morning again and made sure I properly woke up so I didn’t keep the thoughts going and then thought about things a bit and realized one of the things we are feeling right now is “forgotten”. Obviously God has not forgotten us, but it really feels like it sometimes. Our brain knows that God is there for us through it all and carries us when we can’t go on anymore, but sometimes our heart just gives up with thinking with the brain and says “it is broken”. It is just how I felt and I figured I would put it down on “paper” before going to work today. I am grateful for the new job and that I am working 3 days at a few different jobs this week. But it is so hard. Everyday the phone rings over and over again from people wanting money. Fair enough, we owe the money, but it is just a reminder of how hard things are.
I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel, but sometimes it is just so hard to see. I know that we are protected by God and that he gives us peace to manage through this. I know all these things and I believe in all these things and I have faith that these things will pass, but in a moment every so often, I just feel forgotten. That moment will pass and I will keep praying that we will be ok. We are not forgotten…we are protected and LOVED!
Right now I would say this is the worst I have felt in all our married life. I know this is not what God wants and things will turn around. This world is what brings this crap and we have to manage through it because that is the curse of living in this world. I am looking for those small miracles though (a big one would be nice too). Well, one small miracle is the job that I have right now, so I better get dressed and get there so I can get paid.
I love you so so much, and I am thankful every day for the love and support that you give me. Without you in my life, I would be nothing, or less than nothing. I am so sorry that I cannot give you all the things your heart wants, and the male in me wants to fix and fix, but I know that I can't. I am so damn sick of waiting, I want to pull all my hair out, walk away from everything, start somewhere else, as someone else, thinking that a new life would be better. I want nothing more than for us to be happy, and if we are poor while we are happy, then God will help us find a way.
I love you, babe!
I have been thinking about this post since you posted it yesterday. I always try to look at it a couple of ways... what is the lesson I am supposed to learn? What is God protecting me from?
Times are rough all over right now. Some of us get to be up in the Castles, some not. Why? I don't know. I know that we both have blessed lives. We find them difficult for us, but when we look around and see all the misery that others are going through our life looks pretty good. Accept what God is giving you, thank him and ask for direction. Listen.
Re-examine and flow chart your life, come up with some action plans on how you want your life to be, and how your going to get there. Seriously. I think we get caught up in our heads sometimes and stall out.
Dream it, Believe it, Achieve it. I also believe that we begin to feel unworthy of the greatness that God can give us, and doubtful/negative and we can't accept it? When on we're under the bus it's tough to crawl out and think positively but let's try.
Lastly, re-read your post, think of where you just were for five days. Imagine your room, the parks, the lavishness, and giggle..... God gave you a huge bonus this past week.